A Thousand Times Oh Honey, No

I cannot find one thing in this photograph that makes me want to even be in the same room as someone wearing these clothes.

Honey? Why is the living room full of coke whores drinking tea from your grandmother's china?

Even the tiaras are bad. And I'm very much in favor of a tasteful tiara. But those aren't tiaras, those are full-on crowns. Beyoncé's looks like she rolled Miss Universe and stole hers.

Yes, that's Beyoncé Knowles, from the website that sells the "designs" of her mother, the intrepid and always-inappropriate Tina Knowles, a woman who has been dressing her own daughter like she was a prostitute since before said daughter was old enough for a learners' permit. Before you click on that link to check it out, be sure your computer volume is turned down, especially if you're at work, because as soon as that baby pops up Beyoncé is going to invite you, in her best breathless pop princess harmonies, to "shake your derriere in your Deréon."

Seriously. Could I make that up???

::sigh::

I've been seeing an ad for the site in which Beyoncé is snarling at me in a way that I suppose is meant to convey how desirable it would be to be wearing her clothes, but instead looks to me like she thinks I'm the reason she's having a bad hair day and she'd beat me up and call me names if the sun weren't in her eyes and if her lip gloss weren't so heavy that she can't actually form words with her mouth.

So of course I had to check it out.

There is not a single thing on this website that is wearable by anyone who is not going to the Sigma Nu house's annual Pimps & Hos party. I am not kidding. Get an eyeful of this lovely item:

It's a jumpsuit. That looks like a top and jeans. See, right away I'm confused because I thought the point of a jumpsuit was that it was all one piece, but I guess if you were the sort of person for whom two pieces of clothing just meant twice the confusion and inconvenience, this bad boy would be a godsend. Although maybe not -- they've thrown in everything but the bathroom sink (you know, the one you do your lines on): it has "a beautiful crystal studded pendant." It has a "link halter chain." It has "printed satiny soft trim." It also has "belt loops with chain detail and 5 pocket styling with fleur and rhinestone pendant accenting right hip." But wait, there's more!! "Contrast topstitching runs throughout leading to back flap pockets that feature crystal closures." As for the in & out, we are assured that there is a "discreet zip side closure."

Discreet? In what universe is anything about this... um, garment... "discreet"??

Here's another example of Tina's "discretion":

This top, they confide, "shows just enough skin without showing too much," and I suppose by Tina Knowles's standards, this thing is downright Amish. But lest you were feeling that "just enough" might not be enough, rest assured: those logo charms are "encrusted with rhinestones."

Honestly, I don't ever want to hear the word "encrusted" when my clothing is being described. Do you? The word "crust" and any & all variations thereof -- right out.

The Knowles Girls are thorough, goodness knows; there are hats, footwear (I am sparing you photos of the shoes and you should thank me), handbags, and outerwear. (Yes, even the parkas are tarty.) There is a section called "Curvelicious," because just because a woman is plus-sized doesn't mean she shouldn't have the opportunity to look just as slutty as her skinnier sisters. They are also bent on world domination, from the looks of things, and their plan begins with indoctrinating the young. On this website are available Deréon items for girls, for toddlers, for dingdong newborns.

Lock up your daughters, people. The Knowleses are coming for them.


Photos: Dereon.com

Dearly Departed

Look...

Lovely, aren't they? These are just a few of the wonderful designs that Olivier Theyskens, one of my favorite working designers, did for Rochas over the last five years. I was completely in love with Theysken's work for this house, which originally opened in 1925. There was a quiet elegance and a very grown-up femininity to the clothes. He wasn't as interested in making women "hot" or "sexy" as he was in making them just plain beautiful. Sometimes the clothes bordered on the severe -- there were not a lot of frills and flourishes or sequins and flashy bits to draw the eye. Silhouette and movement were what Theyskens concentrated on, and the results were some of the clothes that I most wanted to wear.

Because while, goodness knows I am certainly not above a little flash and we're all well-aware of how much the Style Spy likes a well-placed sequin, Theyskens' designs for Rochas were who I want to be in my heart of hearts -- sophisticated, sleek, rare, unmistakably high-quality.

So perfect. And also -- really, really expensive, because of the amazing fabrics and workmanship. Which is why Procter & Gamble, the company that owned the house of Rochas, decided in their infinite wisdom to shutter it. (Sadly, my computer does not have a "dripping with sarcasm" font or I would have used it there.) The clothing, they said, was not making enough money to justify the continued existence of the house. They kept the much-loved line of fragrances (Femmme, Absolue) going, but no more of Olivier's dreamily beautiful clothes.

At first I considered boycotting Procter & Gamble. Then I took a good look around my bathroom and realized that if I did that I'd be unacceptably sticky and stinky in a large variety of ways in pretty short order. (Seriously, these people make everything!!!)

Instead I just mourned. And kept my eye peeled for whatever remnants might make their way into outlets and online sites.


And I was rewarded with this:

It was an electrifying moment when I found this -- marked down to an affordable price, on YOOX.COM. They had it in two sizes. I ordered the larger one and then sat back to chew my fingernails and wait for FedEx to make my dreams come true. Once it finally arrived, I took it out of the box with much delightful trepidation, and my anticipation was not undeserved. It is a beautiful thing -- this photo doesn't nearly do justice to the amazing quality of the fabric and the details of the manufacture. The seams are all finished and taped. The lining fabric has the word "Rochas" woven into it. The zipper is practically invisible. But the thing that I noticed before anything else?

It was big.

And once I put it on it was clear that it wasn't just a little big -- it was a good two or three sizes too big. I scurried back to Yoox and checked, but the smaller size had disappeared already. So. The decision I had to make was: A) do I risk taking the skirt in for alterations that may be impossible or -- heaven forfend -- ruinous? Or B) do I send back what is potentially the last piece of clothing from this beloved label that I will ever have the opportunity to get my sticky little fashionista paws on without bankrupting myself? Not to mention that this is an extremely functional garment -- I'll be able to safely and stylishly wear this skirt for many years to come. It's not some crazy, trendy little number that doesn't have a shelf life past its season of origin. (But then, none of Theyskens' clothes for Rochas are anything but classic.)

Well, of course I went with A. There are two seams that run down the back of the skirt between the center back seam and the side seams, and when I pinned those up the skirt fit me like a dream. I'm a reasonably experienced stitcher and often I'll do my own alterations, but this needed to be handled by professionals. Last week I dropped it off at Ace Tailors here in Austin. The first person who looked at the skirt was a young woman who hemmed and hawed and made I-don't-know-if-we-can-do-this noises, which caused an extremely unpleasant tightness in my chest. But I held out for the wise, warm, and wonderful Josie, who looked it over quickly, nodded with a confident sure-no-problem expression on her face, and briskly pinned me into it without batting an eye.

I'll go back and pick up the skirt Tuesday or Wednesday, and I am all a-quiver. I was considering sacrificing a small animal to the tailoring gods for insurance. Instead I'll just rely on my benevolent readers to send perfect-skirt vibes. The love and goodwill of Fashionistas is a powerful thing.

There is still a tiny bit of Rochas left out there, and if you can find it and afford it, you should grab it.

Like this perfect little black skirt...

Or this effortlessly beautiful dress...

After this, there's no more. NO MORE!!!!

These are pieces of fashion history, and if you care about such things that's important. I do care about them. Rightly or wrongly, I care very much -- I must admit to occasionally having fantasies of having accumulated, by the end of my life, the sort of wardrobe that is archived and presented in a gallery setting, á la Nan Kempner. (But much, much smaller, of course.)

I'll let you know how my skirt turns out later this week.


Photos: Style.com

Pretty for Friday -- April 18

Style Spy gives a dreamy sigh...

Fendi Circle-Sleeve Gown

Oh, I very much wish I had this dress and a good reason for wearing it this weekend.

(Actually, I just need the dress. I can create a reason.)


Have a good weekend, everyone!

Shopportunity -- April 16

I found this little skirt yesterday at Harold's.

Now, Harold's, which seems to be found mostly in the southern and midwestern areas of the country, is very much in the Brooks Brothers/Talbots mold of fashion. Their sizing also tends to be along those lines -- pretty true, slightly on the generous side. They are fairly conservative and not what one would call Fashion Forward, but the clothes are good quality and even a hard-core Label Slave like myself must have basics. This skirt is really pretty amazing. It somehow manages to be crazy-useful (Denim! Knee-length!! Kick pleat!! Machine washable!!!) and yet dead sexy at the same time because it fit me so well. (I was wearing fairly high heels -- quelle surprise -- when I tried it on, which also helped.) I'm seriously considering grabbing another one of these while they're on sale and tucking it into the back-up drawer. I can see that this could be one of those items you wear to pieces and then mourn its loss bitterly.

They have quite a bit of merch on sale right now, plus they have this going on:

although I do not know for how long. There's some very nice stuff available, including this little sweetie:

(But please do not wear it with these awful shoes...)

Very nice little white cotton piqué shift dress with the most adorable matching cropped jacket. First of all, I am a complete dope for white piqué -- I don't know if there's some repressed childhood memory involved or what, but I just love the stuff. If it's made of white piqué, I'm probably going to want it. Second, a good clean basic shift dress is a capitol item to have in your closet -- you could even put a little blouse under there for work. And that jacket on its own would be terrific with a pair of jeans and a cute blouse, wouldn't it?

So, go! Shop!!


(Also -- there's been a few additions made to Style Spy's Closet! Go check 'em out!)

The Squeaky Wheel

These shoes



are wonderful, I think we can all agree. However. They have an annoying little tic. The leather of the insole is a metallic gold, which looks wonderful, but creates a surface against which my polished toenails, specifically my Boss Toes, um... squeak. "Oik, oik, oik!" say my fabulous shoes as I stride along. It is not chic. It is, frankly, beyond annoying and more than a little embarrassing.

So Style Spy would like to pick the brilliant assembly of brains presented by my readers and ask, has anyone else ever had this problem? Short of wearing hose with these shoes all the time, is there anything I can do to remove this annoying squeak?

Let me know what you think!


photo: Style Spy

Brava! Brava!

Style Spy has a confession. There is one garment for which I do not like to shop. Yep. It exists. That thing is bras.

::deep sigh::

I am a difficult size to fit. Without revealing too much, suffice to say that in what has become a world where it seems large, cantaloupe-esque silibreasts have become the norm rather than the exception, Style Spy finds herself standing on the sidelines feeling rather left out.

And of course, we all know that when we undergo a weight loss, the first place we lose is the place where we'd rather not: in other words, our bustlines. So I spent last weekend trying on bras. I went to four different department stores. I'm pretty sure I tried on about 60 bras. And I bought... two.

This is not a good average. And since I underwent my bra-fitting revelation last summer, I've been even more particular about them fitting properly. But I need bras. A gal's gotta have 'em.

Well, now I know where to go...

Oh, great day in the morning, I can buy squillions of bras online!!! I can try them on in my own home!! When I get around to it! While listening to National Public Radio, or possibly Serge Gainsbourg music! With a fortifying glass of sauvignon blanc at the ready!! Woo-hooo!!

The genius thing about this website is that I can search by size. Instead of rifling through a jungle of tangled elastic, I just push a button and they show me all the bras available in my size. And then when I click on the bra that I'm interested in, they also show me whatever other elements from that line that happen to match it -- which is nice if you're someone like me and you like to be matchy-matchy with your bras & underduds. So that is how I found this adorable little number:

(Um, this is not me.)

and its cute matching panties that are not a thong:

(I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Style Spy flosses her teeth only.)

They're by a label called No Romeo who seem to specialize in adorable, colorful, fun things. Because we all need a wardrobe of black & nude underwear, but sometimes a gal wants to shake it up a little, and it is not exactly easy to find a 32A bra (there, now you know) that fits, is comfortable, and is cute.

I shopped my size, ordered about six bras, and then sat back to wait for FedEx to work their magic. One more really great thing -- shipping was only $4.50. With gas well over $3.00 a gallon, it costs me about that much to drive to Nordstrom. And return shipping? Is free. It is darned hard to argue with that.

At the end of last week I got a Box O' Brassieres delivered to me and I gradually tried them all on over the course of this weekend. I'm sending all of them back except the sweet little blue one, but I've already ordered another batch, including different sizes of some that I tried on the first round. I'm pretty confident I will never have to try on a bra in a department store again, and I am walking on air about this.

The other thing that Figleaves.com has is swimsuits. As we know, shopping for swimsuits is not usually a festival, either, so I'm really excited about this as well. They have tons of bikinis sold as separates, so that you can get tops & bottoms that actually fit you, and a lot of really attractive one-piece suits, including this one, which I'm really taken with:

It has patent leather trim. (Patent leather!! How sassy!!) It also has, according to the website, "good rear cover." I dunno about you, but those words are music to Style Spy's ears.

Figleaves.com has a great section on fitting and a whole glossary of bra parts (so now you can speak with authority about your center gusset) and maybe best of all -- reviews. Real women buy these bras and then they go back on the website and write about them, so you can get a lot of information on fit and style from reading them. The reviews have actually made me an even more educated bra-shopper. Thanks to them I'm thinking about not only my band and cup size, but my breast placement (fairly wide-set) compared to the size of my frame (I have broad-ish shoulders, but an pretty narrow ribcage). This means that when I scroll through the several pages of bras in my size, I'm mostly paying attention to the ones with a wider center gusset (See! It comes in handy!), because those are going to fit me better.

Knowledge is power, ladies.

So, go! Shop!! Buy some bras! (And let me know how it goes!)

Pretty for Friday -- April 11

As is becoming traditional, some random objects of dreaminess to send you into your weekend.

These were a heads-up from the fabulous Plumcake. Plumcake is an enabling temptress who knows just where my sweet spot is. I love her.

From myboyfriendAlexanderMcQueen. This dress is haunting me. I am IN LOVE with this dress and I assure you I would ROCK this dress. I am seriously considering whether this dress is the next item for the Luxury Tithe. The only problem is that this dress basically costs a trip to Paris. I think I need Paris more than I need this dress.

Have a great weekend, everyone!! And if you shop, I wanna hear aaaaaaaall about it!!