Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sternum Is the New Black

or, Triumph of the Double-Sided Tape

(I had a lot of other headlines I could have gone with, believe me)

So the big neckline at the Golden Globes (other than black and strapless) was this one:

Very low, very deep, very wide. This is Anna Pacquin in Alexander McQueen and she is pulling it off, although I'm not just crazy about the dress. I was actually pretty surprised by how much of this I saw Sunday night. The usual m.o. for Hollywood breasts for the last 10+ years is Cantaloupes 'R' Us. Goodness knows I harp on Support Garments and how no one wants folks to break into a spontaneous chorus of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" when a woman walks into a room. But by the same token, neither is it normal to worry about whether the poor dear is going to suffocate herself if she has the misfortune to sneeze or yawn. Your breasts should not approach your clavicles. Nor should they look as if they were outlined by one of those protractor thingies that you had in your school supply box in sixth grade that mainly served as an instrument for carving your name into your desk.

This neckline is for the woman with the smallish bust. I don't like to hand down ironclad fashion fiats (okay, yes, I do), but if your bra size is anything over a smallish B-cup, I really don't think you can get away with this without looking vulgar beyond belief. I don't care how beautiful or elegant you otherwise are, how expensive your dress and jewels, how accomplished or intelligent you might be -- if your big ol' boobs are hanging out of a dress slit down to your navel, you look like trash. There is no soft-selling it or getting around it: just trash.

Back to Anna Pacquin's dress. I like this less than I feel I should, for some reason, even though she looks nice. I have a feeling I'd like it much more in person, where I could get a better idea of what's going on -- the fabric looks so detailed and the pictures aren't doing it justice, probably. Also -- Anna, would it KILL you to wear a little lipstick?

Here's Olivia Wilde in Gucci. This is gorgeous. She's gorgeous. This dress teeters perilously close to the edge of tacky, but she's pulling it off and that's because it fits right (not skin-tight) and she has the body for it (small-framed and small-busted). Wilde is not particularly curvy, so the sexiness of this dress doesn't take it into extreme territory. Imagine this dress on oh, say... Beyoncé. It would fit like a scuba suit and they probably would have cut a slit up to the waist in the damn thing and our jaws would drop in horror. But this? This is just about perfect. Also -- bully for her for wearing a fabric that doesn't show A) wrinkles, B) sweat stains, or C) raindrops, which was a big issue at this event this year. (Seriously -- no one at the Golden Globes knew where to track down a tent or a tarp in all of Los Angeles??? Someone should have been fired for that.)

Felicity Huffman in I don't know who. Flicka's a gorgeous woman, and also has the body to carry this off. I almost didn't notice the neckline, distracted as I was by the weird neckpiece that looks like something from the Arms & Armor Wing at the Met. I do love the softness of the fabric, but I hate the color on her. I hate both colors -- neither that pinkish almost-nothing nor the silvery gray of the neckline do her any favors. Also -- too much earring. They're fighting with the dress.

First off, let me say for the record that I ADORE Lisa Edelstein. I think she's gorgeous and talented and I am right now volunteering to be her stylist -- gratis -- for her next red carpet event because the one she has? Is a joke. I don't know how you find a dress with a neckline this low-cut that still manages to be matronly. She looks like a twice-divorced cougar mother of the bride who drinks too much and then comes on to one of the groomsmen at the reception by dancing way too suggestively with him. Gah. Also, she's right at the edge of too much boob for the dress. Back away from the edge, Lisa.

File under Enough, Already:

Okay. Is there ANYONE ON THE PLANET who isn't aware that Halle Berry has a slammin' body? Please oh please, if you know of any, get their addresses to Halle so she can just send them nude photos of herself and we can be done with it. Honestly, this dress (which is by Kaufman Franco)... I know your career is in the toilet, honey (seriously -- look at her IMDB page) but is this really how you want to get work? Good tits ≠ "relevant" in Hollywood -- there are plenty of sweet young things out there with bodies just as good who will only require a fifth of your salary. When you wear stuff like this you might as well just parade around with a sign that says, "My Oscar was a fluke."

And now...

Sweet jesus in a jeep... I don't really have to expound upon this, do I? It pretty much speaks for itself. Actually, her boobs speak for themselves, and they speak in loud, booming, foghorn-like tones. Sweetie, the 16-year old husband that you're carrying around like your latest Gucci handbag is plenty of proof that you've still "got it," now put those things away! I'm all for embracing the body you have, but there is a difference between self-esteem and self-delusion. And what's even crueller is that she does have a great body -- she's certainly curvier than your average Hollywood star, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Unless you pack those curves into something like this (which is Hervé Leger for Max Azria). Well, mostly pack. Some stuff didn't actually make it all the way into the packaging, as we can see. So instead of looking gorgeous and womanly, she looks... well, she's a joke. She's a joke and everyone is laughing and I feel bad for the poor dear. Although it did result in my very favorite moment of red carpet coverage for the Golden Globes -- Jay Manuel on E! keeping a straight face as he extolled the virtues of the "shoulder detail" and how it "balanced her silhouette." God love ya, Jay, you deserve a Golden Globe for that performance, because anyone with eyes can see you'd need a crane to balance that shit.

Goodness. I haven't even gotten around to the really bad stuff yet. Stay tuned!!

Photos: style.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, justjared.com

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Denise said...

I had nearly the same thoughts when I saw Halle Berry on stage. But I also thought how clear it was how afraid she is to age. Which, of course, makes her look sad and desperate. Mariah just makes me laugh! I'm not sure I can come up with anyone who "wears" the boobs as much as she does! That perfume commercial, too!

Love the commentary; keep it coming, and promise me you'll weigh in at Oscar time, too.

Anonymous said...

Anna Pacquin is monochromatic in shades of blonde from head to toe... not so good. And Mariah's boob bombs need to go back to the hangar.

Stephanie said...

Your assessment of Mariah is spot on. She has a beautiful body but no need to look porny on the runway.

WendyB said...

I loved Anna Paquin's dress. And Halley is too beautiful for me to even criticize. Anyway, I love wearing this kind of neckline but it does involve tape and you're right -- it's better to be below a certain size.

I must say I laughed when I saw Mariah who is so not below a certain size. On the other hand, she clearly loves the way she looks in the crazy clothes she wears so more power to her. If you're happy with yourself and it doesn't hurt me...I don't care too much really! It's like my idol Coco -- just carry on with that crazy thing that you do, girl!

Miss Plumcake said...

I love Halle Berry for one reason only: she showed up in person to pick up her Golden Raspberry for Catwoman.

I also think when it comes to the low and wide neckline, the set of your breasts count. You really need wider-set breasts for that look.

All Women Stalker said...

I loved Felicity Huffman and the dress she had on. Really beautiful color.

Lorena said...

Mariah.... what are we going to do with her ??!!
It seems like she can never get it right, which is absurd as she has all that one need TO PULL IT OFF!!
Let's make a fund, so we can pay for her stylist.