Sternum Is the New Black

or, Triumph of the Double-Sided Tape

(I had a lot of other headlines I could have gone with, believe me)



So the big neckline at the Golden Globes (other than black and strapless) was this one:

Very low, very deep, very wide. This is Anna Pacquin in Alexander McQueen and she is pulling it off, although I'm not just crazy about the dress. I was actually pretty surprised by how much of this I saw Sunday night. The usual m.o. for Hollywood breasts for the last 10+ years is Cantaloupes 'R' Us. Goodness knows I harp on Support Garments and how no one wants folks to break into a spontaneous chorus of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" when a woman walks into a room. But by the same token, neither is it normal to worry about whether the poor dear is going to suffocate herself if she has the misfortune to sneeze or yawn. Your breasts should not approach your clavicles. Nor should they look as if they were outlined by one of those protractor thingies that you had in your school supply box in sixth grade that mainly served as an instrument for carving your name into your desk.

This neckline is for the woman with the smallish bust. I don't like to hand down ironclad fashion fiats (okay, yes, I do), but if your bra size is anything over a smallish B-cup, I really don't think you can get away with this without looking vulgar beyond belief. I don't care how beautiful or elegant you otherwise are, how expensive your dress and jewels, how accomplished or intelligent you might be -- if your big ol' boobs are hanging out of a dress slit down to your navel, you look like trash. There is no soft-selling it or getting around it: just trash.

Back to Anna Pacquin's dress. I like this less than I feel I should, for some reason, even though she looks nice. I have a feeling I'd like it much more in person, where I could get a better idea of what's going on -- the fabric looks so detailed and the pictures aren't doing it justice, probably. Also -- Anna, would it KILL you to wear a little lipstick?

Here's Olivia Wilde in Gucci. This is gorgeous. She's gorgeous. This dress teeters perilously close to the edge of tacky, but she's pulling it off and that's because it fits right (not skin-tight) and she has the body for it (small-framed and small-busted). Wilde is not particularly curvy, so the sexiness of this dress doesn't take it into extreme territory. Imagine this dress on oh, say... Beyoncé. It would fit like a scuba suit and they probably would have cut a slit up to the waist in the damn thing and our jaws would drop in horror. But this? This is just about perfect. Also -- bully for her for wearing a fabric that doesn't show A) wrinkles, B) sweat stains, or C) raindrops, which was a big issue at this event this year. (Seriously -- no one at the Golden Globes knew where to track down a tent or a tarp in all of Los Angeles??? Someone should have been fired for that.)

Felicity Huffman in I don't know who. Flicka's a gorgeous woman, and also has the body to carry this off. I almost didn't notice the neckline, distracted as I was by the weird neckpiece that looks like something from the Arms & Armor Wing at the Met. I do love the softness of the fabric, but I hate the color on her. I hate both colors -- neither that pinkish almost-nothing nor the silvery gray of the neckline do her any favors. Also -- too much earring. They're fighting with the dress.

First off, let me say for the record that I ADORE Lisa Edelstein. I think she's gorgeous and talented and I am right now volunteering to be her stylist -- gratis -- for her next red carpet event because the one she has? Is a joke. I don't know how you find a dress with a neckline this low-cut that still manages to be matronly. She looks like a twice-divorced cougar mother of the bride who drinks too much and then comes on to one of the groomsmen at the reception by dancing way too suggestively with him. Gah. Also, she's right at the edge of too much boob for the dress. Back away from the edge, Lisa.


File under Enough, Already:

Okay. Is there ANYONE ON THE PLANET who isn't aware that Halle Berry has a slammin' body? Please oh please, if you know of any, get their addresses to Halle so she can just send them nude photos of herself and we can be done with it. Honestly, this dress (which is by Kaufman Franco)... I know your career is in the toilet, honey (seriously -- look at her IMDB page) but is this really how you want to get work? Good tits ≠ "relevant" in Hollywood -- there are plenty of sweet young things out there with bodies just as good who will only require a fifth of your salary. When you wear stuff like this you might as well just parade around with a sign that says, "My Oscar was a fluke."

And now...

Sweet jesus in a jeep... I don't really have to expound upon this, do I? It pretty much speaks for itself. Actually, her boobs speak for themselves, and they speak in loud, booming, foghorn-like tones. Sweetie, the 16-year old husband that you're carrying around like your latest Gucci handbag is plenty of proof that you've still "got it," now put those things away! I'm all for embracing the body you have, but there is a difference between self-esteem and self-delusion. And what's even crueller is that she does have a great body -- she's certainly curvier than your average Hollywood star, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Unless you pack those curves into something like this (which is Hervé Leger for Max Azria). Well, mostly pack. Some stuff didn't actually make it all the way into the packaging, as we can see. So instead of looking gorgeous and womanly, she looks... well, she's a joke. She's a joke and everyone is laughing and I feel bad for the poor dear. Although it did result in my very favorite moment of red carpet coverage for the Golden Globes -- Jay Manuel on E! keeping a straight face as he extolled the virtues of the "shoulder detail" and how it "balanced her silhouette." God love ya, Jay, you deserve a Golden Globe for that performance, because anyone with eyes can see you'd need a crane to balance that shit.

Goodness. I haven't even gotten around to the really bad stuff yet. Stay tuned!!


Photos: style.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, justjared.com

The Black Strapless Brigade

My vote for greatest invention of of the last I dunno how many years has got to be the DVR. No other way would I be able to wade through the television coverage that now surrounds any of the major awards shows. There is a lot of inanity and foolishness to fast forward through (Call me crazy, but I honestly don't care how Jane Krakowski's fiancé proposed to her. All good things to you, sweetie, but really -- don't care.), just so you can hear the four most important words anyone has to say that night: "My dress is by..."

There was, as usual, a lot of black on red at the Golden Globes last night, and what's more it seems like nearly all of it was strapless. I do understand the urge toward the black dress -- I have several myself and have to remind myself to skip over them when browsing, because really, how many do you need? (The answer is "More than you'd think," if you're me.) But unless the dress is either spectacular or a spectacular bomb, it's just going to fade into the mists of memory. Of course, that may well be what some of these ladies were aiming for...

I don't know who she is. This dress sure doesn't make me care.

Julie Bowen. Lovely girl, nice dress, she really does look pretty, it fits well -- she looks like she can actually sit down, and her breasts aren't on display like a Pussycat Doll. Just... unmemorable.

Sophia Loren in Armani Privé. Still glam after all these years, but I have a few quibbles. Namely -- her hairdresser apparently hasn't left the salon or even looked out the window since the mid 80's. And those glasses! Seriously, I think she stole my Grandma Merridy's glasses (around the same time as her hairdresser went underground) and has been wearing them ever since. Someone get the woman to an optician! Still, bringing the va-va-voom like that at her age? Hats off to you, Madame. You are an inspiration.

Speaking of bringing it -- Glenn Close in what I'm going to guess is also Armani (she wears a lot of Armani). Nice work, although not particularly inspired, perfect fit. I guess the one up side of reaching a certain age in Hollywood is that the stylists stop insisting that your clothing fit you like Swarovski-encrusted shrink-wrapping, and you can actually enjoy your chicken Kiev and a glass of champagne without worrying about any major wardrobe crises.

Susan Downey and her husband (mysecretboyfriend) Robert Downey, Jr. This is so conservative for him, and he looks great. If we can just get him into a tie, all will be perfect. She looks beautiful, too, but... ya know. Another strapless black dress, this one sparkly.





Well, here's black strapless with a twist. Julianne Moore in Balenciaga with Tom Ford in one of his own impeccable tuxedos. (Say what you will about the guy, despite his everpresent Miami Vice homage, the man cuts a sharp as hell suit.) I love the fabric of this, which looks like some sort of hammered silk, and I like the idea of it, but it's just not going anywhere. Perhaps it's her terrible, droopy posture that's throwing me off. She's going to get crucified by the Fashion Talking Heads for this, but Julianne Moore does really appear to like fashion -- she wears a lot of Balenciaga and other forward labels.





I don't know who she is. Giant black strapless dress, with somewhat interesting detail. Somewhat.





Carey Mulligan, adorable yet forgettable in Nina Ricci.




Penelope Cruz in Armani Privé. It will surely be one of the Great Fashion Mysteries of 2010 -- how the HELL do you make Penelope Cruz look dumpy???? Well, here's how. Also, what's with the cheerleader hair and makeup? Seriously, looking back on my freshman year of college in the early 80's, all of the girls rushing sororities looked just like this.

Courteney Cox in Victoria Beckham. Impeccable but boring. What excited me most about this was seeing her husband David Arquette, a man famous for having a closet that was the sartorial equivalent of a three-ring circus, look normal, in a nice, neat, no frills tuxedo. Not a hint of tartan or embroidery or sparkly embellishment to be found anywhere. Go, David!

No idea who this is. But the dress is winning. That thing is swamping her like a mudslide. Seriously, she's going to need a tranquilizer dart for that dress or she's not going to make it home alive.

Vera Farmiga in Dolce & Gabbana. Oh, dear. Hint: do not make a mermaid-silhouette gown designed to fit like a second-skin out of fabric heavy enough to be your spinster great aunt's winter bedspread. It will not end well. Also, did no one notice that there is a big ol' rosette right on her boob? Is that some sort of joke?? I'm so not laughing.

It wasn't all black. It wasn't all bad. But it sure as hell wasn't all good. Stay tuned & I'll share my thoughts on a few more tomorrow.


Photos: Style.com, Huffingtonpost.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, goldenglobes.org

High and Tight on the Red Carpet

And when I say "high" and "tight," I'm not using them as euphemisms for a chemically-altered state, unfortunately. The Golden Globes were last night. It was the usual parade of boring Hollywood dresses. Skin-tight mermaid silhouettes prevailed. And strapless. Strapless, strapless, strapless, over & over & over again. And I, as usual, just don't get it. I'll spare you my usual Boring Fashion Rant. Just know that lots of people looked plenty nice, in a safe, non-threatening, carefully-arranged way. It's like they're all in some future museum diorama illustrating "Hollywood glamour." I'd say it was tasteful, but the tightness of most garments precludes that adjective. (When a dress is so tight it makes someone like Kate Beckinsale look hippy, it's too damn tight.) I'm not bothering with people like Anne Hathaway and Olivia Wilde, who wore very pretty dresses and very pretty jewelry and very pretty makeup and looked very pretty.

BECAUSE THEY BORE ME.

I'm just going to show you a few things that caught my eye, for good or ill.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in my favorite dress of the night. It's Lanvin, it's fantastic, and all the talking fashion heads are going to crucify her for it.

But I don't care, because if you really LOOK at the dress you can see how wonderful it is. Also, it's crazy-sexy without being vacuum-sealed to her body. They gave it some excellent airtime on the red carpet show on E! and it's amazing. Gyllenhaal loves fashion, she's a bit of a risky dresser and is one of my favorites in Hollywood because of it. As I recall, one of my favorite looks from last year's Oscars was also Lanvin, worn by Tilda Swinton, and it was also decried by the "experts" as awful. Philistines.

Here's another outfit everyone is going to scream bloody murder about and that I loved. The nerve of Marisa Tomei, showing up at a Hollywood awards ceremony looking elegant and restrained and beautiful and not having her boobs hanging out and a skirt slit up to her thong. It may be a little too busy -- I think I would have gone with a simpler belt instead of the lace one she's got on, it seems like the belt is fighting a bit with the necklaces -- but that's really my only problem with it. The lace on that blouse is stunning, it's a work of art. How on earth people can quibble with a gorgeous white blouse and a perfect black skirt is beyond me, but you watch -- they're all going to say she's frumpy & dowdy & awful. Morons.

Aaron Eckhart getting it exactly right. Perfect tux, perfect fit, perfect notch collar, good bow tie, hair is clean & neat, no scruff on his jaw -- see how easy it is, gentlemen? Why would you ever want to experiment when you could look this good?





Christina Applegate's dress was standard-issue, but this necklace (Van Cleef & Arpel) sure caught my eye. That is a wonderful thing. I'm not typically big on the important, estate-type jewelry usually seen on the red carpet, but this is truly amazing. Good call.

Emma Thompson, whom I adore and would definitely choose as one of my companions in the Invite Five Famous People To Dinner Game, wore a mind-numbingly frumpy black frock with an M.O.B. duster, but would you LOOK at her handbag?!?! YES!!!! (She also had on really good shoes, but I haven't tracked down a good photo of those.)




Loved this on Elisabeth Moss. Loved the tulle (I am a sucker for tulle in a big way), loved the vintage feel, loved the shorter length, although I would liked that very top layer to have been the same length as the underlayers -- it's too long for her. It fits, it's flattering, it looks comfortable, it suits her. Girlfriend needs bangs, though. That's one power of a forehead she's sporting.





Evan Rachel Wood. Didn't love her dress (Elie Saab -- who never impresses me), but she still managed to look gorgeous. How old is she now -- all of 22? Beautiful, beautiful girl, hugely gifted actress, and hopefully well over that whole Marilyn Manson phase. I am not a fan of the visible tattoo, but this one isn't too horrible, and the display is fairly elegant. Enjoy that skin, sweetie. Once it's gone, it never comes back, no matter how famous or expensive your dermatologist.

I'll betcha this is Dior. Cameron Diaz wears a lot of Dior. (It's Chanel, as it turns out.) When she's not dressed up, she's invariably in some variation of the Southern California Identigirl kit -- jeans, tops, whatever hat is "clever" this season; but when Cameron dresses up, she seems to go for things that are a wee bit off-kilter, and I like her for that. Hate the hair, though. Hatehatehate it. But then, I pretty much always hate her hair. Still. Cool dress in a great color.

Speaking of Dior, and of hating the hair. Drew Barrymore also wears a lot of Dior, and this is some. This photo doesn't explain the color well -- it wasn't this blue, more of a dove gray. (She's promoting her new movie "Gray Gardens," so that makes sense.) This dress was actually pretty spectacular. It's made of an organdy or a gazar -- something with some body & stiffness, so that the effect was structured & light simultaneously. The bottom moved like some sort of ghostly bell as she walked, and the scarf across the arm seemed like it had been blown there by the wind. It was really gorgeous, and surprisingly so because the silhouette isn't all that interesting or challenging. Just a beautifully executed dress. She was betrayed, however, by her hairstylist. Such a shame, too, but that helmet of hair completely contradicted the beautiful lightness of the dress. I like the idea of the volume & the shape, but did it have to be such a dome? When your dress is moving in the breeze but your hair is not, something is askew.

We also love that she carried this gorgeous ruby red Vivier clutch with her gray gown. Sweet.

Isweartogod, I'm sending this man a razor. Actually, I'm less interested in him than in that purple dress in the background. Who is that??

Eva Longoria in YET ANOTHER painted-on yawn of a gown. It's Reem Acra and my god, I can't believe she sat down in that thing. She was even complaining about it to the interviewer, about how tired she was of sucking everything in, how she'd been there for a minute & she was already exhausted. Um, Eva? There is no law that says you have to wear a scuba suit with a train to every single awards show. We all know you have a perfect little body, you can stop displaying it like a teen-aged beauty queen's pageant trophy. She was uncomfortable in this dress, she said she was uncomfortable in this dress, but she didn't have to say it because she LOOKED uncomfortable in this dress. No one looks chic when they look that uncomfortable.

A three-piece tuxedo, for pete's sake. What is this, like a zoot tux instead of a zoot suit?? No no no no no no no NO NO!!! Seriously, people! Who the hell thought THAT was a good idea????? And what is with the tie? Does his collar not fit? He has the lead in a damned HBO series, surely he can afford to have a properly-fitting shirt made.

If this is what marrying a 15-years-younger man does for you, sign me up. I'll be headed downtown to 6th Street to do some husband hunting at a shot bar this weekend. The dress was boring and I have a bone to pick with Ashton Kutcher about his black shirt, but Demi Moore looks wonderful. So wonderful that I felt really bad for her daughter Rumer Willis (this year's Miss Golden Globes) while they were standing onstage together.

Oh, Mickey. You are not so fine. But good for him, huh? Everyone likes an underdog and a comeback and here's hoping he gets enough work soon that he can hire himself a stylist. I am not volunteering.

Oh, dear. Mr & Mrs. Cyrus seem to be having a little trouble coming to terms with the fact that they're old enough to have a teenager. Once again, I am forever grateful to my mother for not being the type of woman who showed up at an event in a miniskirt and ankle tattoo. And to my dad for getting haircuts. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

Yoiks. Speaking of time to come to terms... My, Rita! What big... Oh, good lord. The woman is wearing a silver shimmy dress and her boobs are about to take the rest of her hostage and hold her for ransom. Not to mention the Bridget Bardot hair. RITA! It's okay to be a grown-up! You're a nice lady, you're married to an American treasure, we all wish we had your life. Now stuff those things back down in your dress before you go airborne and you have to be shot down like some sort of errant weather balloon!

Oh, Beyonce. You just never learn, do you?

Girlfriend, 30 is going to be upon you before you know it. And then 40. And then 50. And what'll you bet that long past her bootylicious expiration date she's STILL squeezing herself into these sequin-encrusted sausage casings and striking "fierce" runway poses. And what kills me is that she really DOES have an AMAZING body, as evidenced in the video of her I posted a while back. But when she crams herself into these dresses she just looks like a very sparkly python who has swallowed a large-ish hamster and it's just painful to look at. Not to mention -- let's face it -- trashy.

Oooooooh, it's like a JLo/Beyonce smackdown!! It's like JLo said, "BEE-YOTCH!!! I was rocking the bootylicious long before you'd ever had your first bikini wax, and if you want to go ass-to-ass with me in a Booty Off, Bring! It! ON!!!"



I'm giving it up to J Lo this time. Age & experience, doncha know.

Okay, we're all thinking it and I'm going to go ahead & say it: A black man should not wear a white shawl-collared dinner jacket in a roomful of white men wearing black tuxedos. Because he will look like he's supposed to be serving the dinner, not enjoying it. But I love Tracy Jordan anyway, because... well, because he's a freak. (And I mean that in the best possible way.)

Okay, I am almost always bored by Reneé Zellweger, but she's not, to her credit, usually this much of a hot mess. When I first saw the outfit from a distance I thought I was going to like it. Then as the camera got closer, I changed my mind. As usual, it's Carolina Herrera (Zellweger almost never wears anyone else) and as usual the skirt is so tight it gives me a headache looking at it, but it's just not working. Maybe if you wore this dress to an event and were not the sort of person who was going to be photographed unmercifully so that all your undergarment secrets were going to be revealed, it would be fine. Seriously, I almost like it -- I like the cheekiness of the nude underpinnings beneath the sheer shirt, but I don't like the obvious artifice of them underneath those hot camera flashes. And I know the girl is as flat-chested as... well, me, and so the sudden bombshell curves really bug me.

The other painful part was watching her move in the dress -- it was absolutely excruciating. She wasn't so much walking as passing from pose to pose and she looked like a robot who needed a good deal of WD-40 in her joints. It was incredibly forced and unnatural, and uncomfortable to watch. Contrast that (they'll replay red carpet coverage on E! at least once today) with someone like Elisabeth Moss, who looked like she was enjoying her dress in that way that you do when something is beautiful and feels great and you know it's working, and it's all the worse.

Also...

Dear lord. Is that a wig? Or what? Tellin' ya, it was a night full of bad hair.

Tony Shalhoub and his wife Brooke Adams, who were evidently really, really hoping "Slumdog Millionaire" would win and that they would get invited to the party when it did.

Glenn Close, in the formalwear version of Eileen Fisher. Oh, Glenny. Don't give up yet! You're gorgeous and talented and have a hit show and way, way too cool for the I Give Up Outfit!!! I like the idea of the jacket, but it's just a bit too long and a bit too frumpy and those pants truly tragify me.

And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Sorry if your favorite dress of the night wasn't featured here, but a gal can only type "pretty dress" so many times before she starts to go numb.

And now I have to call my doctor for some sort of prescription to keep me awake during the Oscar night red carpet...





Photos: Reuters, tvguide.com, herald-dispatch.com, style.com, WireImage

I Got Cuffed in New York City

I'm a big fan of the cuff. As I've mentioned before, I tend to go for big, statement-y pieces of jewelry, and a cuff can definitely be that. My wrists are pretty much the only small, semi-dainty part of my body these days, so as much as I like the look of bangles, I often find them uncomfortable. They, well... they bang around on my wrist. (Hence the name, I guess.) I talk with my hands a lot, so this is a consideration. The whack-clank-bonk gets a little tiresome after a while. A cuff usually fits closely enough to my wrist that this isn't a problem, and I like that. A couple of years ago in Paris I was in a Cecile et Jeanne boutique (Check out the website. I've said it before & I'll say it again, the French do costume jewelry best.) and found a really gorgeous cuff there that my heart cried out for. My wallet cried, too, at the idea of the thing, because as I recall it was pretty spendy, and I didn't get it. I can't quite conjure it up in detail anymore, but I remember that it was an enormous (probably about 4" wide) gold filigreed thing. The idea of it has stayed with me all this time, I just loved it. When I was in NYC last month, Grand Central Station was having this very charming little Spring Fair in one of the hallways. It was just like a little street fair, with lots of artisans and crafty types hawking their wares. There were a lot of the same old embellished t-shirts and tote bags made of upholstery scraps, but there was also some really good stuff, like a jewelry designer named Selen, who sold me this:


It's not actually a cuff, it's a linked bracelet


but I still loved it. Plus, it was terribly reasonable -- 35 bucks. Selen was so charming and her things were so beautiful and well-priced that I also bought this


Isn't that fantastic? Selen's jewelry is made of pewter, in my case gold-plated (I don't wear silver). You should really check out her website, she has some gorgeous things and again -- very, very reasonably priced. For best results on the website, click the "Catalogue" link on the bottom left corner. That gives you the most complete view of her wares. I don't think she's set up for e-commerce yet, but there's a contact button & I'm sure she'd be happy to sell you things via phone or e-mail. I've been seeing a lot of great cuffs lately, here's a few I really like. Click photos for links.

Ooooh, beautiful. Expensive, but bee-yoo-tee-ful.

Kenneth Jay Lane, maker of much good stuff.

A lower-commitment version of the KJL

Great googly-moogly, how gorgeous is that? Ohhhh, with a white strappy sundress and a tan -- divine!

Similar idea, with hinged closure & unbeatable price.




Insanely spendy, but a gal can dream, can't she?

And as usual, pretty much anything on this page would be an appropriate gift for the Style Spy, just in case you're wondering. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

Photos: Style Spy, NeimanMarcus.com, Nordstrom.com, Avenue.com, FrancescasCollections.com