Sternum Is the New Black

or, Triumph of the Double-Sided Tape

(I had a lot of other headlines I could have gone with, believe me)



So the big neckline at the Golden Globes (other than black and strapless) was this one:

Very low, very deep, very wide. This is Anna Pacquin in Alexander McQueen and she is pulling it off, although I'm not just crazy about the dress. I was actually pretty surprised by how much of this I saw Sunday night. The usual m.o. for Hollywood breasts for the last 10+ years is Cantaloupes 'R' Us. Goodness knows I harp on Support Garments and how no one wants folks to break into a spontaneous chorus of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" when a woman walks into a room. But by the same token, neither is it normal to worry about whether the poor dear is going to suffocate herself if she has the misfortune to sneeze or yawn. Your breasts should not approach your clavicles. Nor should they look as if they were outlined by one of those protractor thingies that you had in your school supply box in sixth grade that mainly served as an instrument for carving your name into your desk.

This neckline is for the woman with the smallish bust. I don't like to hand down ironclad fashion fiats (okay, yes, I do), but if your bra size is anything over a smallish B-cup, I really don't think you can get away with this without looking vulgar beyond belief. I don't care how beautiful or elegant you otherwise are, how expensive your dress and jewels, how accomplished or intelligent you might be -- if your big ol' boobs are hanging out of a dress slit down to your navel, you look like trash. There is no soft-selling it or getting around it: just trash.

Back to Anna Pacquin's dress. I like this less than I feel I should, for some reason, even though she looks nice. I have a feeling I'd like it much more in person, where I could get a better idea of what's going on -- the fabric looks so detailed and the pictures aren't doing it justice, probably. Also -- Anna, would it KILL you to wear a little lipstick?

Here's Olivia Wilde in Gucci. This is gorgeous. She's gorgeous. This dress teeters perilously close to the edge of tacky, but she's pulling it off and that's because it fits right (not skin-tight) and she has the body for it (small-framed and small-busted). Wilde is not particularly curvy, so the sexiness of this dress doesn't take it into extreme territory. Imagine this dress on oh, say... Beyoncé. It would fit like a scuba suit and they probably would have cut a slit up to the waist in the damn thing and our jaws would drop in horror. But this? This is just about perfect. Also -- bully for her for wearing a fabric that doesn't show A) wrinkles, B) sweat stains, or C) raindrops, which was a big issue at this event this year. (Seriously -- no one at the Golden Globes knew where to track down a tent or a tarp in all of Los Angeles??? Someone should have been fired for that.)

Felicity Huffman in I don't know who. Flicka's a gorgeous woman, and also has the body to carry this off. I almost didn't notice the neckline, distracted as I was by the weird neckpiece that looks like something from the Arms & Armor Wing at the Met. I do love the softness of the fabric, but I hate the color on her. I hate both colors -- neither that pinkish almost-nothing nor the silvery gray of the neckline do her any favors. Also -- too much earring. They're fighting with the dress.

First off, let me say for the record that I ADORE Lisa Edelstein. I think she's gorgeous and talented and I am right now volunteering to be her stylist -- gratis -- for her next red carpet event because the one she has? Is a joke. I don't know how you find a dress with a neckline this low-cut that still manages to be matronly. She looks like a twice-divorced cougar mother of the bride who drinks too much and then comes on to one of the groomsmen at the reception by dancing way too suggestively with him. Gah. Also, she's right at the edge of too much boob for the dress. Back away from the edge, Lisa.


File under Enough, Already:

Okay. Is there ANYONE ON THE PLANET who isn't aware that Halle Berry has a slammin' body? Please oh please, if you know of any, get their addresses to Halle so she can just send them nude photos of herself and we can be done with it. Honestly, this dress (which is by Kaufman Franco)... I know your career is in the toilet, honey (seriously -- look at her IMDB page) but is this really how you want to get work? Good tits ≠ "relevant" in Hollywood -- there are plenty of sweet young things out there with bodies just as good who will only require a fifth of your salary. When you wear stuff like this you might as well just parade around with a sign that says, "My Oscar was a fluke."

And now...

Sweet jesus in a jeep... I don't really have to expound upon this, do I? It pretty much speaks for itself. Actually, her boobs speak for themselves, and they speak in loud, booming, foghorn-like tones. Sweetie, the 16-year old husband that you're carrying around like your latest Gucci handbag is plenty of proof that you've still "got it," now put those things away! I'm all for embracing the body you have, but there is a difference between self-esteem and self-delusion. And what's even crueller is that she does have a great body -- she's certainly curvier than your average Hollywood star, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Unless you pack those curves into something like this (which is Hervé Leger for Max Azria). Well, mostly pack. Some stuff didn't actually make it all the way into the packaging, as we can see. So instead of looking gorgeous and womanly, she looks... well, she's a joke. She's a joke and everyone is laughing and I feel bad for the poor dear. Although it did result in my very favorite moment of red carpet coverage for the Golden Globes -- Jay Manuel on E! keeping a straight face as he extolled the virtues of the "shoulder detail" and how it "balanced her silhouette." God love ya, Jay, you deserve a Golden Globe for that performance, because anyone with eyes can see you'd need a crane to balance that shit.

Goodness. I haven't even gotten around to the really bad stuff yet. Stay tuned!!


Photos: style.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, justjared.com

Tom Who?

Tom Ford left Gucci in 2004, which prompted much hand-wringing and moaning throughout the fashion world. I've honestly never been that big a fan of Ford's. I don't think he's a hack, like Elie Saab, and he's certainly a more talented designer than, say, me. (Or any number of other folks who actually are designers.) But I never quite got what all the foofaraw over him was about. Ford certainly does have a Vision, and it involves long skinny people with skin so sleek and shiny it looks like they're made of neoprene wearing long skinny clothes that are usually even sleeker and shinier. If all goes to plan, said long sleek people will at some point in the evening be indulging in some sort of vaguely de Sade-ian sexual activity, preferably in non-traditional gender and numerical combinations. Like this:

(Above photos are from a W magazine photo spread in 2005)

Don't get me wrong, I like a nice bum as much as the next gal, but jeez... all that self-conscious decadence just exhausts me. While it's all well & good to stride forcefully through life plotting stiletto-inflicted mayhem and wrongdoing,

(Go ahead, laugh. It's funny.)

most of us just want pretty clothes that make us look nice and that we can wear getting in & out of automobiles without pulling a Paris or a Britney. (No, no links to photos, absolutely not.) Enter Frida Giannini, who's been designing Gucci since the Spring 2006 collection. Maybe it's because Giannini is a real-life woman rather than a "Visionary," but the stuff at Gucci has gotten remarkably wearable over the last few seasons and I for one am loving it. It is still unmistakably Gucci, no doubt -- even the most ho-hum daywear has a glam element in that house -- but the last few shows have been chock-full of looks that made me want to buy Frida a cocktail. I was really taken with the latest Resort Collection. Theoretically, it sounds pretty goofy -- a rockabilly-themed resort collection with coral-print accents and lots of plaid. But honestly, it really works. It's a lot of black and white with brightly-colored accents, very graphic and bold, which is right up my alley, with a slightly retro feel. And incredibly wearable, I thought. Lots of shapes that are flattering to a wide variety of body types. Look at this beauty of a dress:


That is a really lovely thing that almost anyone would look great in. It gives you a waist, has a nice swingy skirt, and all that great vertical seaming/colorblocking creates lots of long lines. I, of course, would wear that with red patent shoes. But you already knew that.


Here's me with my leopard-print thing again, but dangit -- that's just cool!! Skinny pants are oh-so-difficult for the vast majority of the population, but this shirtdress is long enough to cover all the problem areas and still look terrifically hip. And I love the kick of color in those orange inserts at the bottom -- so unexpected and fun.



I can't even tell you how in love I am with this outfit. I don't have to explain why, do I? It's just divine.


And ditto this dress. Seriously, this would look great on just about anyone. Simple, easy, elegant.


I'm a sucker for a good coat and a graphic pattern, and this really punches my ticket. Look at those great sleeves, that add just enough femme to a very structured, tailored shape.


So. Damn. Cute.


Here's a shorter version of the coat, and if you're not waif-like enough to pull off those pants, it's also going to look great over jeans, or a black shift dress (or any color shift dress), or a good pencil skirt and blouse, or a nice a-line skirt, or... you get the idea. Fantastic jacket. So sorry, Tom, but I don't miss ya at Gucci. (And I really don't miss him at YSL, where Stefano Pilati is making my heart beat faster with every passing season.)

(It's hard for me to be nostalgic for this.)

Tom's keeping plenty busy -- he's done a makeup collection for Estée Lauder and has opened a swanky new men's store in New York, not to mention releasing about 974 fragrances under his own name, so don't you worry about him. He still has plenty of Vision left. And he's going to keep foisting it on us whether we want it or not.

Photos: Style.com