Sternum Is the New Black

or, Triumph of the Double-Sided Tape

(I had a lot of other headlines I could have gone with, believe me)



So the big neckline at the Golden Globes (other than black and strapless) was this one:

Very low, very deep, very wide. This is Anna Pacquin in Alexander McQueen and she is pulling it off, although I'm not just crazy about the dress. I was actually pretty surprised by how much of this I saw Sunday night. The usual m.o. for Hollywood breasts for the last 10+ years is Cantaloupes 'R' Us. Goodness knows I harp on Support Garments and how no one wants folks to break into a spontaneous chorus of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" when a woman walks into a room. But by the same token, neither is it normal to worry about whether the poor dear is going to suffocate herself if she has the misfortune to sneeze or yawn. Your breasts should not approach your clavicles. Nor should they look as if they were outlined by one of those protractor thingies that you had in your school supply box in sixth grade that mainly served as an instrument for carving your name into your desk.

This neckline is for the woman with the smallish bust. I don't like to hand down ironclad fashion fiats (okay, yes, I do), but if your bra size is anything over a smallish B-cup, I really don't think you can get away with this without looking vulgar beyond belief. I don't care how beautiful or elegant you otherwise are, how expensive your dress and jewels, how accomplished or intelligent you might be -- if your big ol' boobs are hanging out of a dress slit down to your navel, you look like trash. There is no soft-selling it or getting around it: just trash.

Back to Anna Pacquin's dress. I like this less than I feel I should, for some reason, even though she looks nice. I have a feeling I'd like it much more in person, where I could get a better idea of what's going on -- the fabric looks so detailed and the pictures aren't doing it justice, probably. Also -- Anna, would it KILL you to wear a little lipstick?

Here's Olivia Wilde in Gucci. This is gorgeous. She's gorgeous. This dress teeters perilously close to the edge of tacky, but she's pulling it off and that's because it fits right (not skin-tight) and she has the body for it (small-framed and small-busted). Wilde is not particularly curvy, so the sexiness of this dress doesn't take it into extreme territory. Imagine this dress on oh, say... Beyoncé. It would fit like a scuba suit and they probably would have cut a slit up to the waist in the damn thing and our jaws would drop in horror. But this? This is just about perfect. Also -- bully for her for wearing a fabric that doesn't show A) wrinkles, B) sweat stains, or C) raindrops, which was a big issue at this event this year. (Seriously -- no one at the Golden Globes knew where to track down a tent or a tarp in all of Los Angeles??? Someone should have been fired for that.)

Felicity Huffman in I don't know who. Flicka's a gorgeous woman, and also has the body to carry this off. I almost didn't notice the neckline, distracted as I was by the weird neckpiece that looks like something from the Arms & Armor Wing at the Met. I do love the softness of the fabric, but I hate the color on her. I hate both colors -- neither that pinkish almost-nothing nor the silvery gray of the neckline do her any favors. Also -- too much earring. They're fighting with the dress.

First off, let me say for the record that I ADORE Lisa Edelstein. I think she's gorgeous and talented and I am right now volunteering to be her stylist -- gratis -- for her next red carpet event because the one she has? Is a joke. I don't know how you find a dress with a neckline this low-cut that still manages to be matronly. She looks like a twice-divorced cougar mother of the bride who drinks too much and then comes on to one of the groomsmen at the reception by dancing way too suggestively with him. Gah. Also, she's right at the edge of too much boob for the dress. Back away from the edge, Lisa.


File under Enough, Already:

Okay. Is there ANYONE ON THE PLANET who isn't aware that Halle Berry has a slammin' body? Please oh please, if you know of any, get their addresses to Halle so she can just send them nude photos of herself and we can be done with it. Honestly, this dress (which is by Kaufman Franco)... I know your career is in the toilet, honey (seriously -- look at her IMDB page) but is this really how you want to get work? Good tits ≠ "relevant" in Hollywood -- there are plenty of sweet young things out there with bodies just as good who will only require a fifth of your salary. When you wear stuff like this you might as well just parade around with a sign that says, "My Oscar was a fluke."

And now...

Sweet jesus in a jeep... I don't really have to expound upon this, do I? It pretty much speaks for itself. Actually, her boobs speak for themselves, and they speak in loud, booming, foghorn-like tones. Sweetie, the 16-year old husband that you're carrying around like your latest Gucci handbag is plenty of proof that you've still "got it," now put those things away! I'm all for embracing the body you have, but there is a difference between self-esteem and self-delusion. And what's even crueller is that she does have a great body -- she's certainly curvier than your average Hollywood star, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Unless you pack those curves into something like this (which is Hervé Leger for Max Azria). Well, mostly pack. Some stuff didn't actually make it all the way into the packaging, as we can see. So instead of looking gorgeous and womanly, she looks... well, she's a joke. She's a joke and everyone is laughing and I feel bad for the poor dear. Although it did result in my very favorite moment of red carpet coverage for the Golden Globes -- Jay Manuel on E! keeping a straight face as he extolled the virtues of the "shoulder detail" and how it "balanced her silhouette." God love ya, Jay, you deserve a Golden Globe for that performance, because anyone with eyes can see you'd need a crane to balance that shit.

Goodness. I haven't even gotten around to the really bad stuff yet. Stay tuned!!


Photos: style.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, justjared.com

The Black Strapless Brigade

My vote for greatest invention of of the last I dunno how many years has got to be the DVR. No other way would I be able to wade through the television coverage that now surrounds any of the major awards shows. There is a lot of inanity and foolishness to fast forward through (Call me crazy, but I honestly don't care how Jane Krakowski's fiancé proposed to her. All good things to you, sweetie, but really -- don't care.), just so you can hear the four most important words anyone has to say that night: "My dress is by..."

There was, as usual, a lot of black on red at the Golden Globes last night, and what's more it seems like nearly all of it was strapless. I do understand the urge toward the black dress -- I have several myself and have to remind myself to skip over them when browsing, because really, how many do you need? (The answer is "More than you'd think," if you're me.) But unless the dress is either spectacular or a spectacular bomb, it's just going to fade into the mists of memory. Of course, that may well be what some of these ladies were aiming for...

I don't know who she is. This dress sure doesn't make me care.

Julie Bowen. Lovely girl, nice dress, she really does look pretty, it fits well -- she looks like she can actually sit down, and her breasts aren't on display like a Pussycat Doll. Just... unmemorable.

Sophia Loren in Armani Privé. Still glam after all these years, but I have a few quibbles. Namely -- her hairdresser apparently hasn't left the salon or even looked out the window since the mid 80's. And those glasses! Seriously, I think she stole my Grandma Merridy's glasses (around the same time as her hairdresser went underground) and has been wearing them ever since. Someone get the woman to an optician! Still, bringing the va-va-voom like that at her age? Hats off to you, Madame. You are an inspiration.

Speaking of bringing it -- Glenn Close in what I'm going to guess is also Armani (she wears a lot of Armani). Nice work, although not particularly inspired, perfect fit. I guess the one up side of reaching a certain age in Hollywood is that the stylists stop insisting that your clothing fit you like Swarovski-encrusted shrink-wrapping, and you can actually enjoy your chicken Kiev and a glass of champagne without worrying about any major wardrobe crises.

Susan Downey and her husband (mysecretboyfriend) Robert Downey, Jr. This is so conservative for him, and he looks great. If we can just get him into a tie, all will be perfect. She looks beautiful, too, but... ya know. Another strapless black dress, this one sparkly.





Well, here's black strapless with a twist. Julianne Moore in Balenciaga with Tom Ford in one of his own impeccable tuxedos. (Say what you will about the guy, despite his everpresent Miami Vice homage, the man cuts a sharp as hell suit.) I love the fabric of this, which looks like some sort of hammered silk, and I like the idea of it, but it's just not going anywhere. Perhaps it's her terrible, droopy posture that's throwing me off. She's going to get crucified by the Fashion Talking Heads for this, but Julianne Moore does really appear to like fashion -- she wears a lot of Balenciaga and other forward labels.





I don't know who she is. Giant black strapless dress, with somewhat interesting detail. Somewhat.





Carey Mulligan, adorable yet forgettable in Nina Ricci.




Penelope Cruz in Armani Privé. It will surely be one of the Great Fashion Mysteries of 2010 -- how the HELL do you make Penelope Cruz look dumpy???? Well, here's how. Also, what's with the cheerleader hair and makeup? Seriously, looking back on my freshman year of college in the early 80's, all of the girls rushing sororities looked just like this.

Courteney Cox in Victoria Beckham. Impeccable but boring. What excited me most about this was seeing her husband David Arquette, a man famous for having a closet that was the sartorial equivalent of a three-ring circus, look normal, in a nice, neat, no frills tuxedo. Not a hint of tartan or embroidery or sparkly embellishment to be found anywhere. Go, David!

No idea who this is. But the dress is winning. That thing is swamping her like a mudslide. Seriously, she's going to need a tranquilizer dart for that dress or she's not going to make it home alive.

Vera Farmiga in Dolce & Gabbana. Oh, dear. Hint: do not make a mermaid-silhouette gown designed to fit like a second-skin out of fabric heavy enough to be your spinster great aunt's winter bedspread. It will not end well. Also, did no one notice that there is a big ol' rosette right on her boob? Is that some sort of joke?? I'm so not laughing.

It wasn't all black. It wasn't all bad. But it sure as hell wasn't all good. Stay tuned & I'll share my thoughts on a few more tomorrow.


Photos: Style.com, Huffingtonpost.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, goldenglobes.org

Red Carpet Extravaganza -- 2009 Emmy Awards

Here is my review of the fashion at the 2009 Emmy Awards, which happened last night.


They all looked like this.

Jenna Fischer in Reem Acra

Ummmmmmm...

Yeah, that's pretty much all I've got on that. I'm going to go make lunch now.


Image: Style.com

Marc Jacobs' Revenge

The Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Ball was Monday, May 4. It was a big deal. It's always a big deal. It's such a big deal that much hand-wringing over invitations and gowns goes on, and also a big enough deal that they always have it on a Monday. My feeling is that having an event this big on a Monday is basically like putting up a banner that says, "No one coming to this shindig has a real job." Oh, sure, there were people there who work for a living, at jobs like modeling and editing magazines, but my guess is there weren't too many elementary school teachers in attendance.

One of the sponsors of this year's event was Marc Jacobs, along with Kate Moss, Justin Timberlake (because someone needs to bring sexyback to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, doncha know) and Vogue Magazine. The theme this year was "The Model As Muse." My theory is that Vogue created this theme to throw a bone to all the models they've snubbed in the last few years by putting nothing but (usually undertalented) film stars on the cover of the magazine.





Marc Jacobs is a busy guy. He designs his own namesake label, plus his bridge line (Marc by Marc Jacobs), as well as Louis Vuitton. I find him by all generally available accounts an exceptionally silly person with a proclivity towards baring his physique in photographs and popping up entirely too often in gossip columns. (You never do see Alber Elbaz in his skivvies in a magazine, do you?) My personal feelings about Jacobs himself aside, however, I do think he's a massively talented designer. I don't always love everything he does, but that's okay. He's thoughtful (about fashion) and experimental and willing to push envelopes, and I think that's very important. I also find it very interesting that his collections for Vuitton and his own line in any given season have recognizably similar DNA, often much more so than I find in other designers with multiple labels, like Lagerfeld with his stable of nameplates.

I really liked both Louis Vuitton and Marc Jacobs collections for Spring 2009, although I was considerably less enamored of Fall 09 for both lines (Vuitton here and Jacobs here). I thought the Spring collections were fun & interesting, filled with a cool mish-mashery of prints, patterns, colors and materials. Most importantly, they were both loaded up with separates, which seems a smart way to go when people may be making more careful budgetary decisions about what they buy. There were a number of really good jackets and skirts that went down these runways, the sort of thing you could buy and work into your wardrobe for several seasons to come.

Marc Jacobs Spring 09

Louis Vuitton Spring 09
(You wouldn't have to wear it with the feather skirt, although I of course would love it if you did.)

Fall 09 was a big ol' 80's re-hash and while there are some cool, clever pieces to be had it just didn't work as well for me. Maybe it's my age. I dunno. It wasn't atrocious, just not my fave Jacobs ever.

Hugely successful and popular as Jacobs is, his is not a name that you hear overmuch on the red carpet come awards season. Think about it -- imagine the parade of vacuum-sealed actresses filing past flunkies with microphones and try to recall how many times you've heard one of them say either Vuitton or Jacobs. It doesn't happen all that much -- mostly we get the spangly excesses of hacks like Elie Saab or the pinch-me-or-I'll-fall-asleep tastefulness of Carolina Herrera. But since Jacobs was "sponsoring" this Gala (and I am wondering what duties exactly that role entailed, besides being available for a multitude of photo ops), he got to dress a lot of famous women. And apparently Mr. Jacobs has felt the red carpet snub, because he took his revenge.

Good googly-moogly. Random starlet, I cannot be bothered to check her name, in Vuitton. You know how in fashion magazines they warn you to avoid dressing head-to-toe in one designer? This is why.

Kerry Washington. Pretty woman in a really bad dress. Seriously, if you are not at least 6 feet tall (like most runway models) what the hell are you thinking putting on something this wide??? (And the giant floppy bows on the shoes sure aren't heping with the stumpy.) Here's a rule of thumb: if you cannot sit in your Prius without closing your skirt in the car door, wear something else.

Oh, Madonna. Ya know, I can't really fault her, because she's, ya know, Madonna. And she does this stuff. I've always admired her fearlessness, and here it is on full display. Nothing I can say about that hat will be funnier than the fact of it, so I'll dummy up. You can tell she's single again, though, eh? I liked it better when she was a proper married English lady wearing all those nice sheath dresses.

Victoria Beckham in Marc Jacobs. What. Ever. She's designing her own line now and honestly, several of the dresses she showed were actually really good. But why look nice when you can piss off Style Spy?

If Rachel Feinstein (in Marc Jacobs) isn't actually pregnant, she should sue his ass for this.

Longtime Marc Jacobs BFF Winona Ryder. Insert obligatory crime of fashion joke here.

Himself with herself. I gotta tell ya (and I'm sorry, dear Plummy) -- the turban is not a look I'm terribly fond of. Unfortunately, it looks like we're going to be having a Grey Gardens moment in the immediate future and Batshit Crazy Impoverished Former Socialite is a look that's going to be popping up. I'm sorry, this whole ensemble looks cheap to me -- even the shoes, which are YSL and we know how much I like that. Some of it, I'm sure, is that I just don't like Kate Moss. She's never been one of my favorite models, and I know it shouldn't matter, but what I know about her private life makes me want to shove her under a bus. My favorite tidbit from the coverage of the Met Gala, from Eric Wilson's article in the NY Times:

Asked how she felt about being a museum-worthy muse, Ms. Moss shrugged and pulled a big piece of gum out of her mouth.

“I’m amused,” she said. “I think it’s quite interesting for somebody to go outside of the box and think that a model actually has had some input into fashion. A lot of the time, the models don’t really get a say."

Perhaps that's for the best, Kate. Now pop your gum back in your mouth and go do another line in the bathroom.

Seriously. Gum. At the Met Gala. My friends, sometimes -- often, even -- it doesn't matter how much your dress cost. "Lady" doesn't come on a hanger.

Here's the one person who was wearing Marc Jacobs who didn't look absolutely dreadful.

Another random starlet -- I'm sorry but I just don't care -- in a color I love. This dress is nice and she looks nice in it. Not stellar, mind you, but nice. Shame they wouldn't let her put up the roof on the convertible when they drove her (like a bat out of hell down the West Side Highway, from the looks of things) to the party.

It might be more charitable to imagine that these were all just missteps on Jacobs' part, but I think he's too talented and too savvy for that, so I'm left with the conclusion that these dresses were some sort of fiendish plot on his part. Maybe he didn't want anyone to be prettier than him. Maybe he wants new friends. Maybe he's off the wagon. Whatever the reasons, I don't care. I was mightily entertained.

More on the Met Gala later this week. Stay tuned, there is more snark (and a few really good dresses) to come!


Photos: New York Times, Style.com

The Larger Issue

By now you've probably heard or read about the flap over the answer the current Miss California gave to a question about gay marriage that she was asked by Perez Hilton at the Miss USA pageant Saturday night. I'm not going to comment on her politics, because this is not a political blog. I'm not going to talk about the ongoing existence of beauty pageants in our culture because, again, not what this blog is about. (I will take a moment, however, to tsk-tsk the Miss USA people for hiring Perez Hilton as one of the judges. This guy is one of the uglier pieces of work to come down the public pike in recent memory. He is positively Dickensian in his nastiness, like a young, queeny Miss Havisham. It's one thing to have has-been pop stars and soap opera stalwarts as your judges, but this guy makes his living talking trash about people. You cannot associate your event with someone like this and then expect any of us with half a brain to take you seriously as anything other than a freak show.)

But I digress. As I said, this is a fashion blog, and based on the footage I've seen of the pageant, Girlfriend has bigger problems than her inability to speak extemporaneously on current events.

Good googly-moogly, that is one bad dress. And it reminds me of something. What am I thinking of...?

Oh, right.


In poor Miss California's defense, hers was not the worst of the gowns, believe it or not.

Miss Arkansas

I went to a beauty pageant and a belly-dancing show broke out. Seriously, it looks like her breasts are arguing with one another.

Miss West Virginia

Because two kinds of bad are better than one.

Miss North Dakota

The classiest beauty pageant contestant on Planet Pole Dance.

Miss Michigan

Miss Michigan apparently thought she was attending a pajama party and came in her nightgown. Her Frederick's of Hollywood nightgown. Really, honey, why are you even bothering with the sleeves? (Or the skirt, for that matter?)

Miss Vermont

I think the accessories (not to mention the pose) really make this. The representative from the Green Mountain State has chosen footwear made entirely of petroleum products. Atta girl. The transparent shoe makes sense, I guess. You wouldn't want anything to... um... distract from the er... gown.

Miss Idaho

What is up with the bell pulls hanging off this skirt? Come to think of it, the entire rig looks like something that was put together in an upholsterer's shop. Even Spuds here doesn't look convinced. "Really?" she appears to be saying, "You want me to wear this??"

Miss South Dakota

GOOD GOD!!! Was this pageant rated TV-MA???

Miss Delaware

Again I say, GOOD GOD! I'm sorry, this is not an evening gown. An evening gown is a garment one wears to a formal event, one at which the male guests are presumably wearing tuxedos and bow ties. This? The only event I can imagine wearing this to are the AVN Awards (a.k.a. the "Porn Oscars").

I rest my case. And man, was she peeved when she found out that Miss Arkansas copied her dress!

Although in all fairness to the ladies of the adult entertainment film industry, if you go here and scroll through the photos available you will see as I did that a great many of them are actually dressed in a far more respectable manner than most of the young women I showed above.

That gray dress in the center? I really like that dress!

And so this is what it has come to -- our porn stars are more tasteful than our pageant queens. (And probably a lot more fun to talk to, as well.)

Photo: seattlepi.com, kidspot.com.au, prphotos.com

Risk & Reward on the Red Carpet

I had to divide my Oscars post into two, because I grew weary looking at all of the "glamour" and "excitement." Probably you're all counting your lucky stars that I skipped my usual Hollywood-is-boring diatribe, but don't count your chickens: Hollywood is boring. There's a lot of photos you're not going to see here, because they just don't seem worth commenting on. Please understand me: it's not that the dresses aren't pretty. They're very pretty. The jewelry is pretty, the hair is (mostly) pretty, the makeup is pretty. But I'm just not interested in talking about yet another skin-tight, "tasteful," utterly predictable and risk-free dress.

This, on the other hand?

A little risky. And thank goodness. This is Heidi Klum in RM by Roland Mouret. I always look forward to Klum because she's dug well in to the fashion world and she has a deeper appreciation for clothes than just wanting a pretty dress that shows off her figure. The dress is definitely body-conscious, but it's not skin-tight. It doesn't have to be to be sexy, and besides -- who among us does not know that Heidi Klum has one of the most phenomenal bodies around?



Love the origami detailing on this dress and the open back. That's sexy, right there.

And the jewels. Klum accessorized with about 30 pounds of diamond and coral Lorraine Schwartz jewelry. That? Is a LOT of bling. But I like it. I mean, the woman is a 12-foot tall Teutonic goddess who has spent most of her adult life strutting down runways & being photographed. She has presence, ya know? She can more than carry off this kind of deliberate overload in a way that a lot of women (most women, let's be honest) could not.

It does not make me happy to apply the words "hot mess" to Sophia Loren.

But that is what this is. This dress, believe it or not, is Armani Privé. Other than the fact that there's a beautiful Italian woman packed into it, there is nothing I can see here that is recognizably Armani. This thing looks like she bought it one of those places where they sell enormous polyester quinceanera dresses wrapped in plastic. The color is awful, the style is dated and unflattering, and those ruffles! Oh, my god!

And then there's the Cruella DeVille makeup, which is the most heartbreaking thing. Because just look at her, would you? The woman is 75 years old and she looks fantastic! And not just "she looks fantastic for an older woman," she's just freaking gorgeous to this day. So it's all the worse that she's hanging so desperately on to the look she wore in in times past -- the sex bomb hair, the eighties makeup... she doesn't need it. I am not, believe me, saying that because she is une femme d'un certain age she needs to just chuck in the towel & wear Eileen Fisher & Clarks for the rest of her life. But she needs to re-assess. Look back at the picture of Meryl Streep I showed yesterday -- she looks lovely. And grown-up. And not, god forgive me, like a drag queen impersonation of herself.

Another hot mess that made me very sad (we may as well get them over with while I'm on the topic):

Reese Witherspoon in Rodarte. I'm puzzled by this. I usually love Rodarte, and theoretically I like this dress. I liked this collection (Spring 09) when it went down the runway, but I thought the more successful versions of this dress were the short ones. Kate & Laura Mulleavy at Rodarte are extremely emotional, theoretical designers -- their clothes are not always easy and can be on the extreme side. The dress appears to be a mash-up of these two looks

and then sparkled & pretty'd up for the red carpet. Which is a bad idea -- when a design is this conceptual, watering it down to make it more accessible is just going to result in something that looks half-assed. Of those two, I definitely think the short dress is the more successful one. I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea, I don't even know that I'd wear it myself (well, probably, given the right circs, but it doesn't make me froth at the mouth or anything); but it's a cohesive design statement and at the very least it's interesting. When they tried to soften it, in the longer version, it loses its edge and falls apart a bit. Plus, I really can't warm up to the color palette on the long dress, I find it jarring. Reese Witherspoon, as far as I can tell, would fit in my coffee cup -- the dress is just too much for her. As far as I'm concerned, her most successful look ever is still that sleek yellow jacquard knee-length Nina Ricci sheath she sported a few years ago. I wonder what happened to her association with that house?


As I scrolled through all the photos of the show & the after-parties, I noticed that a lot of people changed clothes in-between the two. Theoretically, I wholeheartedly endorse any opportunity one has to sport multiple outfits in an evening. If you don't think I'd happily bring a change of clothes (or shoes, at the very least) in the trunk of my car so that I can don an entirely new ensemble mid-way through when I go out for an evening, you don't know me very well. (All my IRL friends reading this just became very alarmed. Don't worry, guys. Not going to happen. Not until I'm a lot more famous, anyway.) Also, you're going from a big, fancy, formal awards ceremony to a pah-tay. God willing, you've got this big gold candlestick-shaped thingie to tote around with you all night, there is much air-kissing to be done, and multiple glasses of very expensive champagne to be drunk. You wanna loosen up a bit. So going from this:

to this:

makes all kinds of sense to me.

Sorta.

First off, why anyone in their right mind would trade Dior Haute Couture for Elie Saab eludes me. That is like pushing aside your foie gras and asking for a bucket of KFC. I'm far from in love with the Dior, mind you, it feels a little messy and unfocused although given that it's couture I'm sure that if I saw it close-up it'd be a whole other story. But Elie Saab evidently saw photos of me in the dress I wore to my Drama Department Gala in 1984 and reproduced it in navy blue taffeta instead of red satin. I was awfully glad to see her lose the nuclear missile hairdo, though, and again -- I can understand why you'd want a little less dress for maneuvering at the parties.

On the other hand, what do you gain by going from this

to this?

Except, potentially, validation that despite the fact that you are an exceedingly minor actress for whom the vast majority of the population cannot name a single credit on your "resumé" other than your omnipresence on the red carpets (Seriously -- can anyone tell me ONE THING this young woman has done?) and in mens' magazines, you are important enough to merit two dresses by two major designers (Prada and Oscar de la Renta, respectively). Neither of these dresses is successful. I can't recall anything this bland going down a Prada runway in living memory, so I have to assume that there were changes to something requested & made. Another good example of not going far enough with the concept -- see that tiny spot of black midway down the skirt? The underside of the fabric was black. Except that we can't really tell that there's a black lining that we're supposed to know about, so it just looks like a mistake. And the fit is horrendous. Yes, I'm glad it's not yet another duchesse satin vacuum-sealed scuba suit, but could they not have HEMMED the thing? That is awful! Although perhaps I shouldn't complain about the hem, because it was long enough to mostly hide the very heavy, black, closed-toe shoe that she was wearing that was ENTIRELY wrong for the dress. Actually, the shoe was my first clue that this dress was a swing and a miss at something a little more fashion forward -- it's very Prada-esque to play with proportion and mood like that. But this was an extremely tepid rendition of that. The de la Renta dress is a gorgeous color, but it also needs to be hemmed and is about 30 years too old for her. (Also -- what is up with her hair? Was she dragged to the Oscars???)

Another quick-change artist:

At the first awards show of the season I hated it. Then I began to grow accustomed to it. And at this point, I gotta tell ya -- I'm going with it. I kinda like it. It's his thing. Anti-establishment rocker dude lounge singer punk. Or something. But whatever it is -- it's not a mistake. It's very deliberate, he's cultivating a look, and I'm going to give it up to him for that. He knows his own style, and Gaultier, whom he's wearing above, is a brilliant choice for him. And there's a lot of little details in this outfit that most men would not be bothered with and I honestly have to applaud.

For the parties he changed into this:

I wouldn't have minded jeans if they weren't quite so beach boy, and if we're doing the hat thing why not a slick pair of boots instead of the shoes you walk the dogs in when it's raining, but that jacket is pretty seriously wonderful. Look closer.



I think that's Galliano, but I'm not sure. Whoever it is, it is crazy beautiful. I would wear that in a heartbeat.

I've saved my favorite for last, and I'll bet you can all see this coming a mile away.

Oh, Tilda. I heart you. I heart you entirely. And I heart you, too, Alber Elbaz, my adorable little fashion teddy bear. This? Is amaaaaaaazing. Also, this is capital-F Fashion, and Tilda Swinton is my hero for her unapologetic love of the stuff. There was nothing else even remotely like this on the red carpet, and yet it was stunningly appropriate -- she did not look like she flew in from outer space, she looked elegant, chic, and knowing. There is a huge qualitative difference between this and the rest of the borderline pageant-wear most women are walking around in at these events. And I'll bet Tilda didn't have to change her clothes for the parties -- that looks like you could wear it for days and not even notice it.

I could not believe how much I liked her as a blonde

Given her coloring and apparent distaste for makeup, I would have said going blonde was a terrible mistake, but for some reason it really works. I also would not have recommended that color under any circs for someone of that complexion, but through some sort of mode/maquillage alchemy it's absolutely wonderful on her. I like that she made a bit of a concession and did that bright red lip -- it's just enough.

Swinton doesn't work with a stylist (take that, Rachel Zoe!). She is who she is, she knows who she is, she knows what she likes, and she's a deeply adventurous spirit. You may like what she's wearing or not, but there is never any doubt that the woman in it is supremely confident in her own skin. I think she is hands-down the most stylish actress around right now for that very reason.



Photos: style.com, getty images