Sternum Is the New Black

or, Triumph of the Double-Sided Tape

(I had a lot of other headlines I could have gone with, believe me)



So the big neckline at the Golden Globes (other than black and strapless) was this one:

Very low, very deep, very wide. This is Anna Pacquin in Alexander McQueen and she is pulling it off, although I'm not just crazy about the dress. I was actually pretty surprised by how much of this I saw Sunday night. The usual m.o. for Hollywood breasts for the last 10+ years is Cantaloupes 'R' Us. Goodness knows I harp on Support Garments and how no one wants folks to break into a spontaneous chorus of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" when a woman walks into a room. But by the same token, neither is it normal to worry about whether the poor dear is going to suffocate herself if she has the misfortune to sneeze or yawn. Your breasts should not approach your clavicles. Nor should they look as if they were outlined by one of those protractor thingies that you had in your school supply box in sixth grade that mainly served as an instrument for carving your name into your desk.

This neckline is for the woman with the smallish bust. I don't like to hand down ironclad fashion fiats (okay, yes, I do), but if your bra size is anything over a smallish B-cup, I really don't think you can get away with this without looking vulgar beyond belief. I don't care how beautiful or elegant you otherwise are, how expensive your dress and jewels, how accomplished or intelligent you might be -- if your big ol' boobs are hanging out of a dress slit down to your navel, you look like trash. There is no soft-selling it or getting around it: just trash.

Back to Anna Pacquin's dress. I like this less than I feel I should, for some reason, even though she looks nice. I have a feeling I'd like it much more in person, where I could get a better idea of what's going on -- the fabric looks so detailed and the pictures aren't doing it justice, probably. Also -- Anna, would it KILL you to wear a little lipstick?

Here's Olivia Wilde in Gucci. This is gorgeous. She's gorgeous. This dress teeters perilously close to the edge of tacky, but she's pulling it off and that's because it fits right (not skin-tight) and she has the body for it (small-framed and small-busted). Wilde is not particularly curvy, so the sexiness of this dress doesn't take it into extreme territory. Imagine this dress on oh, say... Beyoncé. It would fit like a scuba suit and they probably would have cut a slit up to the waist in the damn thing and our jaws would drop in horror. But this? This is just about perfect. Also -- bully for her for wearing a fabric that doesn't show A) wrinkles, B) sweat stains, or C) raindrops, which was a big issue at this event this year. (Seriously -- no one at the Golden Globes knew where to track down a tent or a tarp in all of Los Angeles??? Someone should have been fired for that.)

Felicity Huffman in I don't know who. Flicka's a gorgeous woman, and also has the body to carry this off. I almost didn't notice the neckline, distracted as I was by the weird neckpiece that looks like something from the Arms & Armor Wing at the Met. I do love the softness of the fabric, but I hate the color on her. I hate both colors -- neither that pinkish almost-nothing nor the silvery gray of the neckline do her any favors. Also -- too much earring. They're fighting with the dress.

First off, let me say for the record that I ADORE Lisa Edelstein. I think she's gorgeous and talented and I am right now volunteering to be her stylist -- gratis -- for her next red carpet event because the one she has? Is a joke. I don't know how you find a dress with a neckline this low-cut that still manages to be matronly. She looks like a twice-divorced cougar mother of the bride who drinks too much and then comes on to one of the groomsmen at the reception by dancing way too suggestively with him. Gah. Also, she's right at the edge of too much boob for the dress. Back away from the edge, Lisa.


File under Enough, Already:

Okay. Is there ANYONE ON THE PLANET who isn't aware that Halle Berry has a slammin' body? Please oh please, if you know of any, get their addresses to Halle so she can just send them nude photos of herself and we can be done with it. Honestly, this dress (which is by Kaufman Franco)... I know your career is in the toilet, honey (seriously -- look at her IMDB page) but is this really how you want to get work? Good tits ≠ "relevant" in Hollywood -- there are plenty of sweet young things out there with bodies just as good who will only require a fifth of your salary. When you wear stuff like this you might as well just parade around with a sign that says, "My Oscar was a fluke."

And now...

Sweet jesus in a jeep... I don't really have to expound upon this, do I? It pretty much speaks for itself. Actually, her boobs speak for themselves, and they speak in loud, booming, foghorn-like tones. Sweetie, the 16-year old husband that you're carrying around like your latest Gucci handbag is plenty of proof that you've still "got it," now put those things away! I'm all for embracing the body you have, but there is a difference between self-esteem and self-delusion. And what's even crueller is that she does have a great body -- she's certainly curvier than your average Hollywood star, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Unless you pack those curves into something like this (which is Hervé Leger for Max Azria). Well, mostly pack. Some stuff didn't actually make it all the way into the packaging, as we can see. So instead of looking gorgeous and womanly, she looks... well, she's a joke. She's a joke and everyone is laughing and I feel bad for the poor dear. Although it did result in my very favorite moment of red carpet coverage for the Golden Globes -- Jay Manuel on E! keeping a straight face as he extolled the virtues of the "shoulder detail" and how it "balanced her silhouette." God love ya, Jay, you deserve a Golden Globe for that performance, because anyone with eyes can see you'd need a crane to balance that shit.

Goodness. I haven't even gotten around to the really bad stuff yet. Stay tuned!!


Photos: style.com, celebuzz.com, yahoo.com, justjared.com

This Hurts...

...my feelings, my head, my soul -- my entire existence is pained by this.



It's made of NFL football jerseys. Used ones. Oooooh, good googly-moogly. I have to go lie down now.

Go here for the story. I can't talk about it anymore.

Fashion Hubbub!

Oh, my goodness! Controversy on the runway!

Canadian designer Mark Fast has only been showing at London Fashion week for a couple of seasons now, but he's already cemented a reputation. The Central Saint Martins graduate focuses on knitwear -- but we're not talking about twin sets here. Fast makes knitted dresses for the nightclub set -- dresses so tight and so slashed and so revealing that the corollary to Fast's reputation is that when it comes to his clothes, regular-sized gals need not apply. (His first collection was made in only one size.)

This apparently did not make Mr. Fast happy, and for his runway show last week the decision was made to include a few women who were larger than the typical runway models. Specifically, the models, who are represented by "Plus-Size" agencies, were British sizes 12 - 14 (which is translates roughly to an American 8 - 12). According to Mr. Fast's creative director, Amanda May, "We wanted women to know they don't have to be a size zero to wear a Mark Fast dress - curvier women can look even better in one."

Okay, great! So far, so good. Except that what resulted from this decision was that Fast's lead stylist and casting director quit in a big, skinny huff backstage when he refused to back down from his decision to use these ENORMOUS women in his fashion show.

Oh, for pete's...

Now. The question isn't whether Fast should have used models in larger sizes. That's a yes. It's a great idea and I think all of us who love fashion can applaud it, regardless of our own personal sizes. Inclusiveness = good! The question is also not whether, if the stylist they were using couldn't come up with better undergarment alternatives than the ones that came down the runway, perhaps Fast should continue his search for a show stylist, because obviously this person is not at the top of her game. Disgraceful.

Neither is the question whether or not it's ridiculous to paint the woman above as "plus-sized." Yes, she is obviously a bit larger than most of the women stalking down the runway in these holey knee socks posing as dresses, but she looks perfectly normal to me. This is not someone who screams "special sizes" to me. As a matter of fact, while the two models above were easy for me to pick out

in comparison to most of the typically-bone-thin girls in the rest of the show, the third "plus-size" model eluded me. I seriously wasn't sure which other of the models was supposed to be so gigantic that she caused a career-ending hissy fit on the part of this stylist. Which tells you a little something about the degree of change we're talking about here -- that degree being not too damn much.

So, bully for Mark Fast for taking a stand for all the real-life women in the world and speaking up for body diversity and all that jazz. He deserves our sincere appreciation. But the real question?

Why would anyone of any size want to wear any of these clothes?

Because my friends, I don't care how heavy or skinny or curvy or bony or whatever you might be -- that is one ugly dress.




Images: Style.com

Make Your Weakness Your Strength

Years ago when I was still an actor-type doing a lot of improv, that was a common refrain from a director I often worked with: "Make your weakness your strength!" He was a good director and it was great advice -- as an actor and as a human. Look at whatever problem you're having and see if you can't solve it by working with whatever is already in your toolbox, instead of searching for an outside solution. Or take something that you view as a shortcoming and see if there isn't something about it that you can turn to a positive. It's something I still use with some frequency today; if you know me well you've probably heard me say it. I use it as a lifeskills mantra (oh, do forgive my psych-speak) and often as a fashion philosophy as well. For example -- I have a (much)smaller-than-average bust. This can be a disadvantage in some clothes (I simply don't fill them up) and heaven knows it makes bra shopping something akin to torture. On the other hand, it does give me the freedom to wear some clothes that my more zaftig sisters can't pull off, because I don't have to worry about configuring a support garment underneath them, or simply because without an overflowing décolletage the Cheap & Tacky Factor is greatly diminished.

So. Make your weakness your strength. Words to live by. I have great admiration for people who do this.

But.

Execution is key.




So. Is the follow-up to this lightning bolt of design brilliance making talking mouths around the gaps between shirt & pants that expose the ol' muffin top?

Thanks (-ish) to my buddy Bill for bringing this to my attention -- he said he feared my fashion education was incomplete until I'd viewed it.

Do note that this is idea is patent pending, so I don't want to hear about any of you copy-catting this.

I MEAN IT.

Just Because You Get Paid For It Doesn't Mean You're Good At It

On July 19, thanks to the fabulous Plumcake's fame, charm, and media passes, I got to attend the Austin Fashion Awards, complete with some time hanging out on the "red carpet" with equally fabulous photographer Nathan Black. We watched folks saunter down said carpet, got some posed pictures, got some candid shots, and were frequently... um, let's say... impressed by some of the fashion choices we beheld.

During the awards proper, we were treated to the reading of nominee names in various categories, envelope tearing, and actual acceptance speeches -- just like one finds at most awards shows. This being Austin, it was also viewed as an opportunity for some live music, which I was totally down with. The music was played behind mini-fashion shows featuring work by UT design students. I am sorry to report that most of the student designers' work, with one exception, ranged from mediocre to downright hilarious. As the clothes appeared, Plummie & I took a whack at dissecting the personalities and influences of each of the designers represented based on the garments they showed -- "former cheerleader from Dallas," for example, or "wishes she'd been at Studio 54."

And then this bobbled down the runway:



Holy cow. And what you can't see? The shiny confetti bits all over the front of the dress appeared to be holographic. You know, that silvery iridescent rainbow plastic stuff they make into the covers of the Trapper-Keeper your sixth-grade daughter carries to school. My goodness, was it shiny!

As this sparkly, shiny, frothy, ruffly, bubblegummy confection bounced down the aisle, I turned to Plummie and said, "This kid is a big ol' 'mo who just wants to grow up and design pageant gowns."

(This model was... er... "spunky." She took the whole runway model stomp-walk thing to new heights.)

So far, so uninspired. These are pretty conventional prom & party dresses of the sort you could find at most small-town "special occasion" boutiques all over the country. But, oh boy, things ratcheted up a notch at the next exit:



Good googly-moogly! I'm having a flashback! It's like Fashion 'Nam! (Also -- how do you know you're at a Texas fashion show? The models are all bone-thin. With D-cups.)



Seriously, these bear a striking resemblance to the horrifying gowns from the Miss USA pageant that I featured here in April.

And ya know why?

Well, lookie who it is! With a model and a minion. I don't know who the Louise Brooks wannabe with him is -- she wasn't a model, she walked down the red carpet with him. If she's his beard, she's not a very successful one.)

If you're a regular Project Runway viewer you'll probably recognize this guy from Season 3. His name is Kayne. His full name appears to be Johnathan Kayne Gillaspie, and guess what! He designs pageant dresses!! In all the excitement of the awards show (and by "excitement of the awards show" I mean "three glasses of champagne I'd put away while milling around in the lobby pre-show and at intermission") I'd completely forgotten about seeing this minor celebrity on the red carpet earlier that evening. In addition, there wasn't a separate introduction for his part of the fashion show; they just sent his goods out on the heels of one of the student designers, so I didn't realize right away that this wasn't the work of just another student.

Now, I know that someone's got to design the pageant dresses. Goodness knows, we can't leave such an important endeavor to chance. I mean, we don't want our beauty queens just picking random gowns off the rack at Dillard's, heaven forfend! And without the pageant gown designers, the world would be deprived of things like this:



I mean, really... Who wants to live in a world without dresses like this?

Me. I do. And as soon as possible.

This thing is about 67 different kinds of awful. The "design" is shockingly tacky, the fabric is cheap-looking, and the construction!! Good lord, they appear to have basically just bought a bra and covered it in that cheesy stretch lace, then attached a panel at the center & made it into a skirt. For pete's sake, you can see the outline of the underwire!!! (And the same for the sparkly purple number in the picture above.)

I hate this dress. I hate all these dresses, and I can't believe anyone chose this guy to be featured in a "fashion show." This is not, I repeat, NOT fashion. Pageant wear is costuming, pure & simple. One of the other guests on the red carpet at the Fashion Awards was Corey Lynn Calter, who is an actual designer who makes actual clothes, some of which are pretty great.

(Photo by Jake Holt)

Here's Corey on the red carpet, wearing her own designs and a BRILLIANT vintage Christian Dior necklace that Plummie & I could have easily gotten into a slap fight over. I really love those pants she's wearing, they're some of the most successful of that sort I've seen yet. Even Plumcake, who is not a fan of the whole harem genre, had to admit those looked great, and we both loved how she worked her shoes over the pants:



I'm going to be looking for some of those. Calter had a Pop-Up Store during the Fashion Week that led up to the Awards, but they didn't take the next step and give her some time on the runway, which I think is a dead shame.

But back to the sequined abominations. I have to say, even for pageant gowns, these dresses are bad. When you go to the website & look at them en masse, they become, unbelievably, mind-numbingly dull. Just one long, sparkly, skin-tight sausage casing after another. Even the colors are bad -- garish or predictable or both. I know Austin is pretty small beer, fashion-wise, but still. This was the best you could come up with for a "fashion show"???? I mean, helloooooooo!!! Corey Lynn Calter -- RIGHT THERE. WITH A BUNCH OF HER CLOTHES.

But as I like to say, the cutting edge of fashion here in Austin is pretty dull. It's getting better -- there are a few boutiques that have opened in the last few years that are actually selling some interesting clothes. We have a Neiman Marcus now, although you wouldn't believe the comparative amount of floorspace devoted to St. John ladies-who-lunch knits; and we have a Barney's Co-Op, although it seems mostly given over to Marc by Marc Jacobs (no more puffed sleeves, Marc, I'm beggin' ya) and DVF (great clothes, but not exactly challenging). The whole world seems to be a lot more fashion-aware these days, thanks to television shows like Project Runway and The Fashion Show, and most of all, our friend the Internets. I'm not hopeful that Austin is ever going to become a major Fashion Capital -- the trophy for the Austin Fashion Awards was shaped like a cowboy boot, for pete's sake. That's okay -- there are lots of other things that we do extremely well (music, Mexican cuisine, dog-friendly public spaces).

Besides -- if everyone in Austin suddenly became brilliantly fashion-literate, what would I have to feel smug about? I'd be out of business! So when I think about it that way, I guess all I have to say is, "Bring on the pageant dresses!"



Images except where noted: Nathan Black

The Larger Issue

By now you've probably heard or read about the flap over the answer the current Miss California gave to a question about gay marriage that she was asked by Perez Hilton at the Miss USA pageant Saturday night. I'm not going to comment on her politics, because this is not a political blog. I'm not going to talk about the ongoing existence of beauty pageants in our culture because, again, not what this blog is about. (I will take a moment, however, to tsk-tsk the Miss USA people for hiring Perez Hilton as one of the judges. This guy is one of the uglier pieces of work to come down the public pike in recent memory. He is positively Dickensian in his nastiness, like a young, queeny Miss Havisham. It's one thing to have has-been pop stars and soap opera stalwarts as your judges, but this guy makes his living talking trash about people. You cannot associate your event with someone like this and then expect any of us with half a brain to take you seriously as anything other than a freak show.)

But I digress. As I said, this is a fashion blog, and based on the footage I've seen of the pageant, Girlfriend has bigger problems than her inability to speak extemporaneously on current events.

Good googly-moogly, that is one bad dress. And it reminds me of something. What am I thinking of...?

Oh, right.


In poor Miss California's defense, hers was not the worst of the gowns, believe it or not.

Miss Arkansas

I went to a beauty pageant and a belly-dancing show broke out. Seriously, it looks like her breasts are arguing with one another.

Miss West Virginia

Because two kinds of bad are better than one.

Miss North Dakota

The classiest beauty pageant contestant on Planet Pole Dance.

Miss Michigan

Miss Michigan apparently thought she was attending a pajama party and came in her nightgown. Her Frederick's of Hollywood nightgown. Really, honey, why are you even bothering with the sleeves? (Or the skirt, for that matter?)

Miss Vermont

I think the accessories (not to mention the pose) really make this. The representative from the Green Mountain State has chosen footwear made entirely of petroleum products. Atta girl. The transparent shoe makes sense, I guess. You wouldn't want anything to... um... distract from the er... gown.

Miss Idaho

What is up with the bell pulls hanging off this skirt? Come to think of it, the entire rig looks like something that was put together in an upholsterer's shop. Even Spuds here doesn't look convinced. "Really?" she appears to be saying, "You want me to wear this??"

Miss South Dakota

GOOD GOD!!! Was this pageant rated TV-MA???

Miss Delaware

Again I say, GOOD GOD! I'm sorry, this is not an evening gown. An evening gown is a garment one wears to a formal event, one at which the male guests are presumably wearing tuxedos and bow ties. This? The only event I can imagine wearing this to are the AVN Awards (a.k.a. the "Porn Oscars").

I rest my case. And man, was she peeved when she found out that Miss Arkansas copied her dress!

Although in all fairness to the ladies of the adult entertainment film industry, if you go here and scroll through the photos available you will see as I did that a great many of them are actually dressed in a far more respectable manner than most of the young women I showed above.

That gray dress in the center? I really like that dress!

And so this is what it has come to -- our porn stars are more tasteful than our pageant queens. (And probably a lot more fun to talk to, as well.)

Photo: seattlepi.com, kidspot.com.au, prphotos.com