A Thousand Times Oh Honey, No

I cannot find one thing in this photograph that makes me want to even be in the same room as someone wearing these clothes.

Honey? Why is the living room full of coke whores drinking tea from your grandmother's china?

Even the tiaras are bad. And I'm very much in favor of a tasteful tiara. But those aren't tiaras, those are full-on crowns. Beyoncé's looks like she rolled Miss Universe and stole hers.

Yes, that's Beyoncé Knowles, from the website that sells the "designs" of her mother, the intrepid and always-inappropriate Tina Knowles, a woman who has been dressing her own daughter like she was a prostitute since before said daughter was old enough for a learners' permit. Before you click on that link to check it out, be sure your computer volume is turned down, especially if you're at work, because as soon as that baby pops up Beyoncé is going to invite you, in her best breathless pop princess harmonies, to "shake your derriere in your Deréon."

Seriously. Could I make that up???

::sigh::

I've been seeing an ad for the site in which Beyoncé is snarling at me in a way that I suppose is meant to convey how desirable it would be to be wearing her clothes, but instead looks to me like she thinks I'm the reason she's having a bad hair day and she'd beat me up and call me names if the sun weren't in her eyes and if her lip gloss weren't so heavy that she can't actually form words with her mouth.

So of course I had to check it out.

There is not a single thing on this website that is wearable by anyone who is not going to the Sigma Nu house's annual Pimps & Hos party. I am not kidding. Get an eyeful of this lovely item:

It's a jumpsuit. That looks like a top and jeans. See, right away I'm confused because I thought the point of a jumpsuit was that it was all one piece, but I guess if you were the sort of person for whom two pieces of clothing just meant twice the confusion and inconvenience, this bad boy would be a godsend. Although maybe not -- they've thrown in everything but the bathroom sink (you know, the one you do your lines on): it has "a beautiful crystal studded pendant." It has a "link halter chain." It has "printed satiny soft trim." It also has "belt loops with chain detail and 5 pocket styling with fleur and rhinestone pendant accenting right hip." But wait, there's more!! "Contrast topstitching runs throughout leading to back flap pockets that feature crystal closures." As for the in & out, we are assured that there is a "discreet zip side closure."

Discreet? In what universe is anything about this... um, garment... "discreet"??

Here's another example of Tina's "discretion":

This top, they confide, "shows just enough skin without showing too much," and I suppose by Tina Knowles's standards, this thing is downright Amish. But lest you were feeling that "just enough" might not be enough, rest assured: those logo charms are "encrusted with rhinestones."

Honestly, I don't ever want to hear the word "encrusted" when my clothing is being described. Do you? The word "crust" and any & all variations thereof -- right out.

The Knowles Girls are thorough, goodness knows; there are hats, footwear (I am sparing you photos of the shoes and you should thank me), handbags, and outerwear. (Yes, even the parkas are tarty.) There is a section called "Curvelicious," because just because a woman is plus-sized doesn't mean she shouldn't have the opportunity to look just as slutty as her skinnier sisters. They are also bent on world domination, from the looks of things, and their plan begins with indoctrinating the young. On this website are available Deréon items for girls, for toddlers, for dingdong newborns.

Lock up your daughters, people. The Knowleses are coming for them.


Photos: Dereon.com