Tuesday, April 22, 2008

A Thousand Times Oh Honey, No

I cannot find one thing in this photograph that makes me want to even be in the same room as someone wearing these clothes.


Honey? Why is the living room full of coke whores drinking tea from your grandmother's china?

Even the tiaras are bad. And I'm very much in favor of a tasteful tiara. But those aren't tiaras, those are full-on crowns. Beyoncé's looks like she rolled Miss Universe and stole hers.

Yes, that's Beyoncé Knowles, from the website that sells the "designs" of her mother, the intrepid and always-inappropriate Tina Knowles, a woman who has been dressing her own daughter like she was a prostitute since before said daughter was old enough for a learners' permit. Before you click on that link to check it out, be sure your computer volume is turned down, especially if you're at work, because as soon as that baby pops up Beyoncé is going to invite you, in her best breathless pop princess harmonies, to "shake your derriere in your Deréon."

Could I make that up???


I've been seeing an ad for the site in which Beyoncé is snarling at me in a way that I suppose is meant to convey how desirable it would be to be wearing her clothes, but instead looks to me like she thinks I'm the reason she's having a bad hair day and she'd beat me up and call me names if the sun weren't in her eyes and if her lip gloss weren't so heavy that she can't actually form words with her mouth.

So of course I had to check it out.

There is not a single thing on this website that is wearable by anyone who is not going to the Sigma Nu house's annual Pimps & Hos party. I am not kidding. Get an eyeful of this lovely item:


It's a jumpsuit. That looks like a top and jeans. See, right away I'm confused because I thought the point of a jumpsuit was that it was all one piece, but I guess if you were the sort of person for whom two pieces of clothing just meant twice the confusion and inconvenience, this bad boy would be a godsend. Although maybe not -- they've thrown in everything but the bathroom sink (you know, the one you do your lines on): it has "a beautiful crystal studded pendant." It has a "link halter chain." It has "printed satiny soft trim." It also has "belt loops with chain detail and 5 pocket styling with fleur and rhinestone pendant accenting right hip." But wait, there's more!! "Contrast topstitching runs throughout leading to back flap pockets that feature crystal closures." As for the in & out, we are assured that there is a "discreet zip side closure."

Discreet? In what universe is anything about this... um, garment...

Here's another example of Tina's "discretion":


This top, they confide, "shows just enough skin without showing too much," and I suppose by Tina Knowles's standards, this thing is downright Amish. But lest you were feeling that "just enough" might not be enough, rest assured: those logo charms are "encrusted with rhinestones."

Honestly, I don't ever want to hear the word "encrusted" when my clothing is being described. Do you? The word "crust" and any & all variations thereof -- right out.

The Knowles Girls are thorough, goodness knows; there are hats, footwear (I am sparing you photos of the shoes and you should thank me), handbags, and outerwear. (Yes, even the parkas are tarty.) There is a section called "Curvelicious," because just because a woman is plus-sized doesn't mean she shouldn't have the opportunity to look just as slutty as her skinnier sisters. They are also bent on world domination, from the looks of things, and their plan begins with indoctrinating the young. On this website are available Deréon items for girls, for toddlers, for dingdong newborns.


Lock up your daughters, people. The Knowleses are coming for them.

Photos: Dereon.com

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Anonymous said...

PINK you know like the colour in the picture of the ladies ? Is the whole reason I do not like pink , nasty things can be done with pink ! And to make you think I am not a complete pink hater I just snagged me a darling pr of ballet shoes in what color ...Hot Pink of course ( with white trim) LOL.Now to find the impossible black sandals ,ah ,is anyone else out there having trouble finding non-patent fashionable flats ? K

Anita said...

Wow. There are no words. My personal fave is the "Ruffle Love Dress", which is strapless, has a keyhole neckline, all over shirring and a ruffled hem which "hangs lower in back". Hmmm, lower? Total length of *dress* is 27". The thought of these people dressing young girls is distressing, to put it mildly.

deb-ct said...

I read this first thing in the morning and had a great laugh---thanks for the entry!

Princess Poochie said...

All of that Dereon crap is horrible. I've never seen any of it I liked.

K - What style flats are you looking for. Here are some in a range of styles -





They're all on the Simply Soles website which has a few other options too.

Zappos is a good place to search as well!

Hope that help!

Deja Pseu said...

Oy. Unfortunately there are some younger women in my office for whom garments like these comprise the lion's share of their "business casual" wardrobe. I posted a while back about the "Bootylicious" tank top.

Sian said...

Oh my! I am at work, so I daren't look at the website, but I am giggling and giggling and giggling. (Which is also probably not the best plan at work, actually.)

Miriam said...

Thank you for bringing some humor to this tragedy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to Princess poochie for the help . One thing hinders me however I am in Canada. So I must find a site that will mail to me here. And to make it really impossible Canada has deleted size 5 in most stores grr. But thanks K

StyleSpy said...

K -- Zappos has a Canadian site now -- www.zappos.ca. Check it out & let me know if you have any luck.

Always In Style said...

This post is hilarious - seriously Beyonce's mom needs to back away from the sewing machine, or whatever it is she uses to dream these hideous things up!

Dereon Supporter said...

So how about all of your haters make your own damn clothing line instead of hating on hers? Guess what, b*tch and complain and talk ish all you want, Dereon makes us women, those 18+ look and feel sexy while supporting a BLACK WOMAN! If you people don't like it, stop looking at it and talking about it...