Risk & Reward on the Red Carpet

I had to divide my Oscars post into two, because I grew weary looking at all of the "glamour" and "excitement." Probably you're all counting your lucky stars that I skipped my usual Hollywood-is-boring diatribe, but don't count your chickens: Hollywood is boring. There's a lot of photos you're not going to see here, because they just don't seem worth commenting on. Please understand me: it's not that the dresses aren't pretty. They're very pretty. The jewelry is pretty, the hair is (mostly) pretty, the makeup is pretty. But I'm just not interested in talking about yet another skin-tight, "tasteful," utterly predictable and risk-free dress.

This, on the other hand?

A little risky. And thank goodness. This is Heidi Klum in RM by Roland Mouret. I always look forward to Klum because she's dug well in to the fashion world and she has a deeper appreciation for clothes than just wanting a pretty dress that shows off her figure. The dress is definitely body-conscious, but it's not skin-tight. It doesn't have to be to be sexy, and besides -- who among us does not know that Heidi Klum has one of the most phenomenal bodies around?



Love the origami detailing on this dress and the open back. That's sexy, right there.

And the jewels. Klum accessorized with about 30 pounds of diamond and coral Lorraine Schwartz jewelry. That? Is a LOT of bling. But I like it. I mean, the woman is a 12-foot tall Teutonic goddess who has spent most of her adult life strutting down runways & being photographed. She has presence, ya know? She can more than carry off this kind of deliberate overload in a way that a lot of women (most women, let's be honest) could not.

It does not make me happy to apply the words "hot mess" to Sophia Loren.

But that is what this is. This dress, believe it or not, is Armani Privé. Other than the fact that there's a beautiful Italian woman packed into it, there is nothing I can see here that is recognizably Armani. This thing looks like she bought it one of those places where they sell enormous polyester quinceanera dresses wrapped in plastic. The color is awful, the style is dated and unflattering, and those ruffles! Oh, my god!

And then there's the Cruella DeVille makeup, which is the most heartbreaking thing. Because just look at her, would you? The woman is 75 years old and she looks fantastic! And not just "she looks fantastic for an older woman," she's just freaking gorgeous to this day. So it's all the worse that she's hanging so desperately on to the look she wore in in times past -- the sex bomb hair, the eighties makeup... she doesn't need it. I am not, believe me, saying that because she is une femme d'un certain age she needs to just chuck in the towel & wear Eileen Fisher & Clarks for the rest of her life. But she needs to re-assess. Look back at the picture of Meryl Streep I showed yesterday -- she looks lovely. And grown-up. And not, god forgive me, like a drag queen impersonation of herself.

Another hot mess that made me very sad (we may as well get them over with while I'm on the topic):

Reese Witherspoon in Rodarte. I'm puzzled by this. I usually love Rodarte, and theoretically I like this dress. I liked this collection (Spring 09) when it went down the runway, but I thought the more successful versions of this dress were the short ones. Kate & Laura Mulleavy at Rodarte are extremely emotional, theoretical designers -- their clothes are not always easy and can be on the extreme side. The dress appears to be a mash-up of these two looks

and then sparkled & pretty'd up for the red carpet. Which is a bad idea -- when a design is this conceptual, watering it down to make it more accessible is just going to result in something that looks half-assed. Of those two, I definitely think the short dress is the more successful one. I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea, I don't even know that I'd wear it myself (well, probably, given the right circs, but it doesn't make me froth at the mouth or anything); but it's a cohesive design statement and at the very least it's interesting. When they tried to soften it, in the longer version, it loses its edge and falls apart a bit. Plus, I really can't warm up to the color palette on the long dress, I find it jarring. Reese Witherspoon, as far as I can tell, would fit in my coffee cup -- the dress is just too much for her. As far as I'm concerned, her most successful look ever is still that sleek yellow jacquard knee-length Nina Ricci sheath she sported a few years ago. I wonder what happened to her association with that house?


As I scrolled through all the photos of the show & the after-parties, I noticed that a lot of people changed clothes in-between the two. Theoretically, I wholeheartedly endorse any opportunity one has to sport multiple outfits in an evening. If you don't think I'd happily bring a change of clothes (or shoes, at the very least) in the trunk of my car so that I can don an entirely new ensemble mid-way through when I go out for an evening, you don't know me very well. (All my IRL friends reading this just became very alarmed. Don't worry, guys. Not going to happen. Not until I'm a lot more famous, anyway.) Also, you're going from a big, fancy, formal awards ceremony to a pah-tay. God willing, you've got this big gold candlestick-shaped thingie to tote around with you all night, there is much air-kissing to be done, and multiple glasses of very expensive champagne to be drunk. You wanna loosen up a bit. So going from this:

to this:

makes all kinds of sense to me.

Sorta.

First off, why anyone in their right mind would trade Dior Haute Couture for Elie Saab eludes me. That is like pushing aside your foie gras and asking for a bucket of KFC. I'm far from in love with the Dior, mind you, it feels a little messy and unfocused although given that it's couture I'm sure that if I saw it close-up it'd be a whole other story. But Elie Saab evidently saw photos of me in the dress I wore to my Drama Department Gala in 1984 and reproduced it in navy blue taffeta instead of red satin. I was awfully glad to see her lose the nuclear missile hairdo, though, and again -- I can understand why you'd want a little less dress for maneuvering at the parties.

On the other hand, what do you gain by going from this

to this?

Except, potentially, validation that despite the fact that you are an exceedingly minor actress for whom the vast majority of the population cannot name a single credit on your "resumé" other than your omnipresence on the red carpets (Seriously -- can anyone tell me ONE THING this young woman has done?) and in mens' magazines, you are important enough to merit two dresses by two major designers (Prada and Oscar de la Renta, respectively). Neither of these dresses is successful. I can't recall anything this bland going down a Prada runway in living memory, so I have to assume that there were changes to something requested & made. Another good example of not going far enough with the concept -- see that tiny spot of black midway down the skirt? The underside of the fabric was black. Except that we can't really tell that there's a black lining that we're supposed to know about, so it just looks like a mistake. And the fit is horrendous. Yes, I'm glad it's not yet another duchesse satin vacuum-sealed scuba suit, but could they not have HEMMED the thing? That is awful! Although perhaps I shouldn't complain about the hem, because it was long enough to mostly hide the very heavy, black, closed-toe shoe that she was wearing that was ENTIRELY wrong for the dress. Actually, the shoe was my first clue that this dress was a swing and a miss at something a little more fashion forward -- it's very Prada-esque to play with proportion and mood like that. But this was an extremely tepid rendition of that. The de la Renta dress is a gorgeous color, but it also needs to be hemmed and is about 30 years too old for her. (Also -- what is up with her hair? Was she dragged to the Oscars???)

Another quick-change artist:

At the first awards show of the season I hated it. Then I began to grow accustomed to it. And at this point, I gotta tell ya -- I'm going with it. I kinda like it. It's his thing. Anti-establishment rocker dude lounge singer punk. Or something. But whatever it is -- it's not a mistake. It's very deliberate, he's cultivating a look, and I'm going to give it up to him for that. He knows his own style, and Gaultier, whom he's wearing above, is a brilliant choice for him. And there's a lot of little details in this outfit that most men would not be bothered with and I honestly have to applaud.

For the parties he changed into this:

I wouldn't have minded jeans if they weren't quite so beach boy, and if we're doing the hat thing why not a slick pair of boots instead of the shoes you walk the dogs in when it's raining, but that jacket is pretty seriously wonderful. Look closer.



I think that's Galliano, but I'm not sure. Whoever it is, it is crazy beautiful. I would wear that in a heartbeat.

I've saved my favorite for last, and I'll bet you can all see this coming a mile away.

Oh, Tilda. I heart you. I heart you entirely. And I heart you, too, Alber Elbaz, my adorable little fashion teddy bear. This? Is amaaaaaaazing. Also, this is capital-F Fashion, and Tilda Swinton is my hero for her unapologetic love of the stuff. There was nothing else even remotely like this on the red carpet, and yet it was stunningly appropriate -- she did not look like she flew in from outer space, she looked elegant, chic, and knowing. There is a huge qualitative difference between this and the rest of the borderline pageant-wear most women are walking around in at these events. And I'll bet Tilda didn't have to change her clothes for the parties -- that looks like you could wear it for days and not even notice it.

I could not believe how much I liked her as a blonde

Given her coloring and apparent distaste for makeup, I would have said going blonde was a terrible mistake, but for some reason it really works. I also would not have recommended that color under any circs for someone of that complexion, but through some sort of mode/maquillage alchemy it's absolutely wonderful on her. I like that she made a bit of a concession and did that bright red lip -- it's just enough.

Swinton doesn't work with a stylist (take that, Rachel Zoe!). She is who she is, she knows who she is, she knows what she likes, and she's a deeply adventurous spirit. You may like what she's wearing or not, but there is never any doubt that the woman in it is supremely confident in her own skin. I think she is hands-down the most stylish actress around right now for that very reason.



Photos: style.com, getty images

Llittle Golden Men, Little Golden Women

Okay, so the Oscars happened. I enjoyed them, but I think that had more to do with the bottle of wine I drank and the jaw-dropping amounts of delicious Mexican food (prepared by my usual Oscar-watching buddy, my friend Steve) that I stuffed down my gullet than the actual entertainment value of the event. There were more strapless dresses than at a bridal convention, and the ones that weren't strapless were mostly one-shoulder, it seemed. There was a really surprising number of white dresses. It's been noted in a few places that the one-shoulder and the white can be chalked up to the "Michelle Obama effect," because of the white, one-shouldered Jason Wu dress she wore to the inaugural balls. Mebbe. I dunno. It makes a certain amount of sense, and also illustrates the group-think that tends to happen in both the entertainment and fashion worlds. I for one like both white and one-shoulder dresses, but it start to feel pretty repetitive, especially the one shoulder thing. So let's get down to it.

Best Actress winner Kate Winslet, a deeply beautiful woman under any circumstances, in a gown I did not like. And what's even more heartbreaking than the wasted opportunity? This gown is YSL. Oh, Stefano. What were you thinking? It's too stiffly constructed through the bodice, the one-shoulder thing was already making me yawn, and all that lace whatnot going on didn't save it from looking matronly. Also, if you have skin like this, wearing a non-color like gray is criminal. We've seen how stunning Winslet looks in red, or bright blue, or even mint green -- but gray? Bleah.

Marisa Tomei in Versace. Holy cats. This dress was really, really stunning. Someone on tv called it pearl gray, but it looked to me like a slightly opalescent, pale, pale lilac. Whatever it was, it was gorgeous. The bodice was -- ::sigh:: -- one-shoulder, but the cut of it was actually interesting. The seaming and tailoring was truly perfect, and that skirt... Dear god, that skirt! All those hundreds of pleats!! Oh, that's pretty. So, so pretty. It's definitely a red carpet, award-show dress, not necessarily a fashionista dress, but it's just breathtaking.

Anne Hathaway in Armani Privé. Everyone's talking about this dress, and when they showed the close-up it really did make me gasp, but I think the detail was lost on camera and I feel the sum is somehow less than a total of its parts. But those iridescent paillettes and beading are truly stunning. The silhouette is not particularly interesting and the whole effect is a little bridal, to my eye, but it's pretty. But I like her better in color, too.

Angelina Jolie was in a nice black (strapless) dress, but this outfit was not about the dress. It was about those UNBELIEVABLE emeralds. Good googly-moogly. There was a great big one on her finger, too, and those things actually glowed. They looked like they had LED lights embedded in them. Buddy Steve wasn't crazy about them, he said, "They distract from the rest of the outfit." I said, "That's kind of the point. They are the outfit." Because with jewels like that, who needs clothes, really?


Speaking of good jewels...

Dayum. Amy Adams' dress was Carolina Herrera and it was nice & all, but that collar -- spectacular. That is right in my wheelhouse, that little number right there is. Wow.

Dear god. Miley Cyrus has apparently been raiding the costume storehouse at Disneyland. Seriously. This looks like the dress they thought about putting on Glinda the Good Witch and then thought, "Eh. No. Too much." It's so heavily encrusted with beading it looks like it's made of plastic. God, that's awful. Poor thing. She's probably only going to be famous for a few more years, the least they could do is give her better clothes while she is.

Hottie McHotterson and his wife. (Wife until he meets me, that is.) I'm such a huge fan of Robert Downey, Jr. and here he does me proud. He shaved, he washed his hair, he put on a perfectly fitted suit and just look at him! Cleans up pretty good, doesn't he? Mrroowwwrrrr.

On the other hand....

Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is apparently so filled with indie cred he has to wear a hat to keep the top of his head from blowing off. Seriously, this pisses me off. The guy took the trouble to wear a suit (although I've got a bone to pick with him over that black shirt), his girlfriend has a nice dress on, he's at the Oscars. So what is up with that hat? It seems unlikely his big ol' head was cold -- my research tells me it was about 70° in LA yesterday around red carpet time. Is that his way of saying, "I'm too cool to take any of this seriously. Check me out -- I thumb my nose at convention by wearing a hat." But if you're so coolio, Mr. Anti-Establishment, if you're so above all this? Just don't show up. Don't insult me with lame slacker headwear.

::big, fat, wet raspberry at his stupid watch cap::

Here's a palette-cleanser. Meryl Streep is a crapshoot at awards shows. Sometimes she's like a walking retirement home, but here she got it really right. I would like -- guess what -- a better color, but the softness of it works on her, and she looks just lovely. What. Gorgeous. Shoulders. And those earrings looked like very beautiful antique cameos -- haven't found a good photo of them yet.

Oh, for pete's... Tight and ugly, as usual. Tight & ugly. Tugly. Look there -- Beyoncé has just inspired an entire new word to describe bad fashion! Tugly! This is from House of Dereon, the Knowleses' "fashion" label. I like when someone breaks with red carpet tradition and wears a print, but this is gaudy and awful. And, as the fabulous Plumcake says, "Beyoncé, honey, it's okay to go up a size." (That's not all Plummy has to say -- you should check out that link and read her hilarious critique of Oscars fashions.)


Here. I'll end on an up note.

Tina Fey looked AMAZING in this dress. Miss Thing has a very hot body, the perfect bust for this neckline and I was SO excited to see her in a dress that wasn't black. This picture doesn't actually do her justice. She looked amazing. Also, she (along with my future husband Steve Martin) was very, very funny.

Pooped now. I'll get some more Oscar stuff up tomorrow. And then it's back to Fashion Week -- London is in full swing already. I've accepted my behind-itude and I'll just keep plugging away until you're sick of me.

Photos: Style.com

Hollywood Continues to Bore Me

Okay, here it is. Last night was the 80th Annual Academy Awards and we got to watch the traditional running of the bulls -- er... I mean, red carpet entrances. Once again, it was a big fat snooze. I'll spare you, just insert my usual lack-of-adventure-and-creativity rant here.

Let's start with one of my usual targets, the animatronic Nicole Kidman. Good god, even pregnancy hasn't made her look human. She consistently wears Balenciaga and she consistently makes it look boring. How does she do that? Say what you will about Ghesquiere's work, but it's almost never boring.

I will say, though, that this necklace was spectacular. It's L'Wren Scott, and reported to be something like 1400 carats total weight and it's just the sort of mad, over-the-top thing I adore. Why Ms. Kidman chose to wear it, however, over a dress with a competing neckline is beyond me. If ever a piece of jewelry called for a high neck, this is it. If you're going to work that piece, you need to give it what it needs and not fight it. Wasted opportunity. It could have been legendary. Instead, it's just confused.

Amy Adams in Proenza Schouler. Pretty. Green. Whatever. Please note the neckline of her dress. Apparently, if you get nominated for a Disney movie you're contractually obligated to work their iconography into your look somehow:

Am I the only one who noticed this?????

Here we come to what my friend Plumcake calls the "Oh, Honey, NO" portion of our entertainment, this year largely dominated by the men. I just... I don't...

sigh...

All I can do is throw up my hands in resignation. So, insert my usual how-hard-can-it-be-to-pick-out-a-tuxedo rant here. But I do have a new theory about men and their formalwear: the distance afield a man strays from a classic tuxedo look is directly proportional to how difficult a boyfriend he would be. These are obviously guys who cannot resist taking something easy and making it complicated and awful. If they can do that to a suit, imagine what they could do to a relationship.

Famously naked for a scene Eastern Promises, the film for which he was nominated this year, Viggo Mortensen overcompensates by wearing waaaaaaay too much jacket. Obviously this man should not be allowed to dress himself.

Daniel Day Lewis, once again carrying the eccentric British thing too far. And what's worse, he's taking his very gorgeous wife, Rebecca Miller, down with him. She's wearing Lacroix, which I would ordinarily applaud. Sadly, it is not the right Lacroix for her. It looks like she is wearing Christian Lacroix's sofa.

Dear god. He is wearing brown suede shoes. With a tuxedo. My head may explode. Perhaps he made them himself...

I don't understand why Javier Bardem couldn't shave for the Oscars. He couldn't have been running late -- think of all the time he saved by just zipping up his jacket instead of dealing with those troublesome buttons.

George Clooney is very, very reliable. He no doubt owns that tux and he no doubt wears it to every single awards show and I do not have one iota of problem with that because it looks smashing on him. Where did he go wrong tonight?

The vacant-eyed arm candy. When I saw these two chatting with RegisgodhelpusPhilbin on the red carpet, I was pretty sure this young woman didn't have a pulse. Seriously, George??? This is what you're going with? Surely you can come up with something a little more convincing.

Here's Forrest Whitaker, avoiding the Clooney Pitfall by escorting his absolutely stunning wife Keisha, who, unlike whosis above, actually looked as though she enjoys having her man's arm around her. Whitaker looks incredibly smart in his double-breasted tux (and he's a good-sized guy, so you know that jacket was expertly fitted to make him look so trim).

Here's Katherine Heigl. She looked very, very pretty.

She's here as a representative of about 403 other 20- and 30-something Hollywood starlets who looked very, very pretty. Hell, just throw a dart, they're all the same.


Oh, look. Here's Renee Zellweger in a skintight strapless Carolina Herrera dress. Quelle surprise.

My god, woman. Eat a taco or something.

This is Saoirse Ronan, from the film Atonement, in Alberta Ferretti. I really loved this on her. I loved it because it was a beautiful color (Ms. Ronan said she wanted to wear green because she's Irish, which is sweet) and I loved it because it is age-appropriate and still pretty.

Ms. Ronan is still only in her early teens, and I think whoever chose this dress for her did a lovely job of dressing her up without dressing her old. Very pretty.

Diablo Cody, who wrote the movie Juno, in Christian Dior.

I love this dress. It's interesting. It's animal print (I love someone who has the nerve to wear animal print to the Oscars). It moved beautifully because it was made of chiffon. Much has been made of Ms. Cody's past experience as a stripper (Yes, stripper. I refuse to buy into the "exotic dancer" or "burlesque artist" euphemism. You take your clothes off for money, you're a stripper. Period.) and even though I like the dress, the look on the whole is not doing much to dispel that image. There's a lot going on here, but ya know what? I actually prefer it to the yards and yards of tasteful humdrummery most everyone else subjected us to, so you go, girl.

Julie Christie, who is still so drop-dead gorgeous it hurts. This is the hair I have been longing for for many years now, and which my corkscrews do not want me to have. I don't know whose dress this is -- given Ms. Christie, it's very likely something from her own closet (she is famously un-Hollywood-y) -- but those sheer gloves look like something Marc Jacobs did for Vuitton. While I love the gloves, I do not love them with this dress. Still, A for effort.

French actress Marion Cotillard, in French designer Jean-Paul Gaultier. Conventional wisdom has it that this dress was "daring" and "risky." Eh, whatever. I wear riskier stuff than that to the grocery store.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Queen, in Georges Chakra.

There was a time when Helen Mirren could not be trusted to appear in public and not humiliate herself (we all remember that hat, right?). Those days apparently have passed. I don't know who her current stylist is or what she's paying her, but she's worth every pound. Many a skinny little Hollywood dolly could take some advice from Ms. Mirren on how to look beautiful and sexy without looking like a tart.

Tilda Swinton is going to be crucified for this dress and I think it's a damned shame, because I really dig it.

It's Lanvin, it's dramatic, it's absolutely stunning in motion, and it looked like nothing anyone else was wearing. I don't really know anything about Ms. Swinton (how refreshing, huh?) except that she's a fantastic actress (Have you ever seen Orlando? One of my favorites, and some great costumes there, too.) and judging from her acceptance speech she does not consider herself at home in the murky waters of the Los Angeles film swamp. She's rather an exotic creature by Hollywood standards, and she looks it in this dress. I think it was amazing, it was by far my favorite of the night. Most folks, no doubt, will disagree.

So that's my Oscar fashion reportage. What did you guys think? Who got it right? Who should be flogged? Who didn't bore you to zzzzzzzz's?


Photos: style.com, tvacres.com, eonline.com, wireimage, getty

Celebrity Dish!

So, here's the inside scoop on what went down with Jennifer Hudson and her dresses.

Not that I feel too terribly bad for her -- she did win a dingdong Oscar Sunday night -- but it is a shame she had to have her big moment in a dress she didn't like. I know that if I'm not comfortable in what I'm wearing, it ruins everything else.

Thanks to k3 for the heads up on this story!

Nothing New Under the Sun

Take a look at these:






And now this:

(Gwyneth Paltrow in Zac Posen at the 2007 Academy Awards)

Am I the only one who noticed this? Not that I have a problem with it -- hey, if you're gonna steal, steal from the classics. I just thought it was interesting.

Wherein Style Spy Discovers the Magic of High-Definition Television

I'm a bit of a reverse techno-snob. I just can't care all that much about audio-visual equipment. I recently had to buy a new television and I got the cheapest one of the proper size I could find, and I was still resentful because that was money I now wouldn't be able to spend on shoes. But last night I went to my buddy Steve's house to watch the Oscars. Steve, being a boy, has a great big ol' fancy tv. As much as I don't like to encourage size-ism, I couldn't help but be impressed. But the magic really happened when he switched it to a high definition channel.

Holy cow.

The colors were brighter, the detail was amazing... I can't really see the point of watching football on one of these things, but for fashion it was incredible!!!! So I'm re-thinking my whole electronics ethos now.

But enough of that. On with the show.

As usual, I was disappointed that more people didn't take more fashion chances on the red carpet. I know, I know, the stakes are too high, the world is watching and all that, but there is plenty of interesting design out there that isn't so damn boring. So while there were several dresses that made me say, "Oh, that's pretty!" there wasn't really one that made me want to high-five the stylist who talked her witless but willing client into putting it on and rocking Fashion Fearless into the Kodak Theater.

Here are some I found worthy of comment.




Jessica Biel in Oscar de la Renta. Great dress. As we know, I have a thing for hot pink. This girl is lovely, although I really have almost no idea of who she is, and I was grateful to her for not feeling the need to reprise her Golden Globes sequined scuba suit look. This had a long slash opening down the back of the bodice -- it was sexy but not over the top.


Cameron Diaz in Valentino Couture. Nifty dress, like the origami effect of the collar, although I frown in general on asymmetric hems. I was also frowning at the wrinkled state it was already in as she was coming into the event. And I hate that hair. I hate this messy-on-purpose thing. There's a difference between messy and not-overdone.


Here's that same hair, and I still hate it. Rachel Weisz in Vera Wang. This is a little sad because it's so close. Gorgeous girl, gorgeous dress, but that necklace is an amateur mistake and her stylist should be smacked. Why on earth would you feel compelled to put that much bling (an enormous diamond pendant suspended on what looked like piano wire) on a woman wearing a dress that was pre-blinged (pre-blung?)? Earrings at most with that dress, although they'd be hard to find under her I-was-just-running-the-vacuum-and-popped-out-to-pick-up-an-Oscar hairdo.


Cate Blanchett in Armani Privé. So, yeah, this is stunning -- she's flawless, the jewelry is just right, the beadwork is breathtaking and great googly-moogly, it was even better in high-def, but... I'd just hoped for something a little more exciting from Ms. Blanchett, a woman who obviously loves fashion and is not afraid of it.


Here's another woman who loves fashion. I almost always like the way Kirsten Dunst looks, and I did love this. This dress really suits her and it's lovely, from the deconstructed Peter Pan collar that just screams "Chanel!" right down to the feathery bottom that everyone's bitching about. It's youthful yet sophisticated, and Dunst pulls that off extremely well.

This next is all the more upsetting because Djimon Hounsou is such a deliciously handsome man:


NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! Gentlemen! How hard is this? You put on a black tux, a white shirt, and a black tie (preferably bow, although I'll allow a long one if you're respectful otherwise) and you're done! You do not express your "individuality" with chocolate brown tuxedos, or brocade jackets, or jeweled brooches, or culturally inappropriate costuming (that means you, Quincy Jones!) or filmy silk scarves. You just wear a damn tuxedo and thank your lucky stars that it's so easy!

Look:


Peter Sarsgaard getting it entirely right. Black tux, peaked lapels (my personal favorite), neat, non-statement-making bow tie, black studs. The jacket also fits him really well, although I would hem up the pants a bit. Your pants should only break once at your shoes, not puddle around them. Maggie Gyllenhaal is also looking great in Proenza Schouler, although I've just never really been able to love navy and black together. (Can I also just say, unrelatedly, that it's kind of cute that two people with a couple of the hardest-to-spell names in Hollywood wound up together. Pity their daughter, though -- she's going to have to spell her name six times a day for the rest of her life.)



Eva Green, doing a Morticia Addams thing in Givenchy. I was actually really intrigued by this dress, although I don't like that dust non-color. But there were interesting details going on at the shoulders and sleeves. There's something about the way it moved around the knees that really bothered me, though, like the corsetry of the dress stopped there and the fabric of the skirt got caught on it and bunched up as she walked.



Faye Dunaway in J. Mendel, doing an homage to Barbra Streisand when she won her Oscar for "Funny Girl" in 1969.


Sometimes it's so bad it's good:



When you are Patricia Field, you can wear your own design and Payless shoes, and you can match your dress to your hair. Because you're Pat Field. And we love you.



Even my girl Rinko Kikuchi, in Chanel as usual, let me down a little. Yeah, it's gorgeous, but she usually likes to take bigger risks than this, for which I admire her intensely. Not so risky, this.

Here's another heartbreaker:


NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! Put on a damn tie, buddy! I don't care if you're the hottest thing to come out of England since those crossed buns, PUT! ON! A! TIE! It's the rassum-frassum Oscars! For goodness sake, you're English, man! I shouldn't have to tell you how to be properly dressed!

Like this:


Leonardo DiCaprio has grown up into a man who knows how to wear a suit. Armani, no less, because then you absolutely can't go wrong. Bravo, Leo.



Oh, bless her heart, she just. Doesn't. Get it. How anyone this beautiful can take a gown custom-made for her by Giorgio Armani and manage to make it look like she got it at David's Bridal, I'll never know. Also, I am tired of the weave. Also of the showgirl postures. Okay, you're bootilicious, we get it. Surprise me, Beyoncé, and just once wear something that doesn't make you look like one of those mirrored female silhouettes we see on tractor-trailer mudflaps.


The Storm of Controversy:



Jennifer Hudson in Oscar de la Renta. I love this girl, I think she's gorgeous and yay for her for winning. There was part of me that really loved this and part of me that went, "Huh?" Then I figured it out -- the jacket's just too short. If it had been about four inches longer, so that the bottom of the jacket had cleared the bottom of her bust and the sleeves, it would have worked. Then it would have been a sassy little jacket with a fun portrait collar. As it stood, it was just a weird neckpiece, basically. I'm also not in love with the Valley Girl hairdo, but let's not quibble.

I did notice that Ms. Hudson changed her dress, not only to sing during the broadcast, but then again to greet the press with her award in hand:


I'm consumed with curiosity about this. Were all these changes planned? I'm not surprised she wore a different dress to sing in (there seemed to be a color-coordinating thing going on for the three women in that number), but what's up with Dress #3 here? Did she change to Dress #3 because it just wouldn't do to go from Dress #2 back into Dress #1 once we'd already seen it? Was Dress #1 kinda sweaty & gross, so she didn't want to get back into it? Or had the scuttlebutt about all the jacket-haters already reached the Hudson Entourage and her merit-badge-worthy stylist busted out that extra gown she had up her sleeve? Inquiring minds want to know.


I just love Kelly Preston for wearing a leopard-print gown to the Oscars. (It's Dolce & Gabbana.) You go, girl! I also love that the jewelry is likely hers -- when you're married to a guy who buys airplanes like some men buy watches, I'm guessing you get the occasional trip to Cartier to pick out a toy or two of your own.

("Look, I have a friend! That means I'm a real human!")

Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga and Naomi Watts in Escada. I discussed Ms. Kidman in my previous post, so we'll let that go except to say I like that dress a bunch, even with the controversial bow, and I love the metallic red accents at the neck. I loved Naomi Watts' dress, it's really beautiful and soft and lovely, which is such a relief after the dozens of vacuum-sealed garments you see at these events. She's evidently pregnant, but this dress would be great on a non-pregnant woman as well. My only quibble is that sash -- it's such a dark blue that it read black to me (even on the high-def!) and it was too harsh. I would love to have seen that in a softer Wedgewood blue. Necklace is glorious, hair is beautiful -- she looks fantastic.


The family Smith -- Will, Jada Pinkett in Vera Wang, and Jaden. First of all, this little boy is so cute I could eat him. Secondly, Will looks great in his tux, perfect down to his white pocket square. No dandyish tendencies here, his Fresh Prince days are well behind him. Thirdly, Jada... I shouldn't really complain, and yet -- I'm going to. She's a very striking woman, but she always looks so hard. She always wears things that are skin-tight, and while if I had a body that fierce I'd probably lean toward that, too, I sure would love to see her loosen up a little. Her hair is always either pin-straight and hanging or slicked back so tight she'll never need an eye lift. With her strong, angular features, I'd really love to see her hair softer & more feminine. She has gorgeous skin and perfect posture, wouldn't she be lovely in something like this:


Jennifer Lopez in Marchesa. This was so pretty. Pale, pale pink with a spectacular jeweled neckline that still manages not to be over the top -- precisely because the rest of the dress is so soft and cloudlike that it nearly melts away. I could even have lived without the earrings, but we all know Jenny from the block likes her bling. I really like this flowing, gentle look. It's utterly feminine and womanly without having to be so body-conscious or overtly sexy. The simple truth is that there's a lot to be said for just being supremely, perfectly pretty.

Oh, there were lots of other nice dresses. Gwyneth's dress was nice and Reese's dress was nice and Emily's dress was nice and Penelope's dress was nice... nice nice nice. Some of them were downright beautiful but I gotta tell ya -- not a single one of them got me excited. This dress is exciting:

(Christian Dior Couture, Spring 2007. Long live Maestro Galliano!)

But no one is ever going to wear it on the red carpet. They'll all be risk-free and tasteful and more than a little dull. More's the pity, if you ask me.


Photos: Style.com