Llittle Golden Men, Little Golden Women

Okay, so the Oscars happened. I enjoyed them, but I think that had more to do with the bottle of wine I drank and the jaw-dropping amounts of delicious Mexican food (prepared by my usual Oscar-watching buddy, my friend Steve) that I stuffed down my gullet than the actual entertainment value of the event. There were more strapless dresses than at a bridal convention, and the ones that weren't strapless were mostly one-shoulder, it seemed. There was a really surprising number of white dresses. It's been noted in a few places that the one-shoulder and the white can be chalked up to the "Michelle Obama effect," because of the white, one-shouldered Jason Wu dress she wore to the inaugural balls. Mebbe. I dunno. It makes a certain amount of sense, and also illustrates the group-think that tends to happen in both the entertainment and fashion worlds. I for one like both white and one-shoulder dresses, but it start to feel pretty repetitive, especially the one shoulder thing. So let's get down to it.

Best Actress winner Kate Winslet, a deeply beautiful woman under any circumstances, in a gown I did not like. And what's even more heartbreaking than the wasted opportunity? This gown is YSL. Oh, Stefano. What were you thinking? It's too stiffly constructed through the bodice, the one-shoulder thing was already making me yawn, and all that lace whatnot going on didn't save it from looking matronly. Also, if you have skin like this, wearing a non-color like gray is criminal. We've seen how stunning Winslet looks in red, or bright blue, or even mint green -- but gray? Bleah.

Marisa Tomei in Versace. Holy cats. This dress was really, really stunning. Someone on tv called it pearl gray, but it looked to me like a slightly opalescent, pale, pale lilac. Whatever it was, it was gorgeous. The bodice was -- ::sigh:: -- one-shoulder, but the cut of it was actually interesting. The seaming and tailoring was truly perfect, and that skirt... Dear god, that skirt! All those hundreds of pleats!! Oh, that's pretty. So, so pretty. It's definitely a red carpet, award-show dress, not necessarily a fashionista dress, but it's just breathtaking.

Anne Hathaway in Armani Privé. Everyone's talking about this dress, and when they showed the close-up it really did make me gasp, but I think the detail was lost on camera and I feel the sum is somehow less than a total of its parts. But those iridescent paillettes and beading are truly stunning. The silhouette is not particularly interesting and the whole effect is a little bridal, to my eye, but it's pretty. But I like her better in color, too.

Angelina Jolie was in a nice black (strapless) dress, but this outfit was not about the dress. It was about those UNBELIEVABLE emeralds. Good googly-moogly. There was a great big one on her finger, too, and those things actually glowed. They looked like they had LED lights embedded in them. Buddy Steve wasn't crazy about them, he said, "They distract from the rest of the outfit." I said, "That's kind of the point. They are the outfit." Because with jewels like that, who needs clothes, really?


Speaking of good jewels...

Dayum. Amy Adams' dress was Carolina Herrera and it was nice & all, but that collar -- spectacular. That is right in my wheelhouse, that little number right there is. Wow.

Dear god. Miley Cyrus has apparently been raiding the costume storehouse at Disneyland. Seriously. This looks like the dress they thought about putting on Glinda the Good Witch and then thought, "Eh. No. Too much." It's so heavily encrusted with beading it looks like it's made of plastic. God, that's awful. Poor thing. She's probably only going to be famous for a few more years, the least they could do is give her better clothes while she is.

Hottie McHotterson and his wife. (Wife until he meets me, that is.) I'm such a huge fan of Robert Downey, Jr. and here he does me proud. He shaved, he washed his hair, he put on a perfectly fitted suit and just look at him! Cleans up pretty good, doesn't he? Mrroowwwrrrr.

On the other hand....

Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is apparently so filled with indie cred he has to wear a hat to keep the top of his head from blowing off. Seriously, this pisses me off. The guy took the trouble to wear a suit (although I've got a bone to pick with him over that black shirt), his girlfriend has a nice dress on, he's at the Oscars. So what is up with that hat? It seems unlikely his big ol' head was cold -- my research tells me it was about 70° in LA yesterday around red carpet time. Is that his way of saying, "I'm too cool to take any of this seriously. Check me out -- I thumb my nose at convention by wearing a hat." But if you're so coolio, Mr. Anti-Establishment, if you're so above all this? Just don't show up. Don't insult me with lame slacker headwear.

::big, fat, wet raspberry at his stupid watch cap::

Here's a palette-cleanser. Meryl Streep is a crapshoot at awards shows. Sometimes she's like a walking retirement home, but here she got it really right. I would like -- guess what -- a better color, but the softness of it works on her, and she looks just lovely. What. Gorgeous. Shoulders. And those earrings looked like very beautiful antique cameos -- haven't found a good photo of them yet.

Oh, for pete's... Tight and ugly, as usual. Tight & ugly. Tugly. Look there -- Beyoncé has just inspired an entire new word to describe bad fashion! Tugly! This is from House of Dereon, the Knowleses' "fashion" label. I like when someone breaks with red carpet tradition and wears a print, but this is gaudy and awful. And, as the fabulous Plumcake says, "Beyoncé, honey, it's okay to go up a size." (That's not all Plummy has to say -- you should check out that link and read her hilarious critique of Oscars fashions.)


Here. I'll end on an up note.

Tina Fey looked AMAZING in this dress. Miss Thing has a very hot body, the perfect bust for this neckline and I was SO excited to see her in a dress that wasn't black. This picture doesn't actually do her justice. She looked amazing. Also, she (along with my future husband Steve Martin) was very, very funny.

Pooped now. I'll get some more Oscar stuff up tomorrow. And then it's back to Fashion Week -- London is in full swing already. I've accepted my behind-itude and I'll just keep plugging away until you're sick of me.

Photos: Style.com