Is Greasy The New Black?

I'm wondering what it is about these ads that is supposed to make me want to buy the products...



I'll grant you -- Eva Mendes is a gorgeous woman with a ferocious body. But... yeccch. I would never call myself a clean freak (and neither would you if you saw my kitchen floor), but this is just gross. I am utterly turned off by the looks of this, and the thing that really, really drives me crazy is that I want to pull that hair off her face! Don't you know this poor girl stood there for god knows how long while a team of photo stylists massaged her head with Crisco and then one by one arranged those locks of hair on her face to give them juuuuuuuust the right air of spontaneous, tousled perfection. And then she had to stand there some more while they took the photos and you KNOW it had to drive her crazy, that she was DYING to just reach up and PUSH THAT HAIR OFF HER FACE!!!! See, that's all I can think about when I look at this ad -- I do not think, "Boy those are cute jeans." I do not think, "Hmmm, I wonder if my ass would look that good in those jeans." (Puh-leez...) I think, "God, someone get that hair off her face!!!!" To me, that is not effective advertising.

I also wonder, what goes through a young woman's mind when she agrees to do ads like this? Specifically, a young actress's mind. Models model, that's what they do. But, presumably Ms. Mendes is working toward a long career as an actress, presumably she would like to be respected for her work, presumably she would like to play the sorts of roles that are typically considered "Oscar bait." Appearing oiled up like a sardine and splayed more-than-half-naked in every American magazine not specifically marketed to children doesn't seem to me the straightest path to that goal.

But I'm probably wrong -- what do I know from Hollywood? Nudity and public displays of sexuality are so commonplace anymore that they probably don't work against someone in the way that they used to. And maybe Ms. Mendes harbors no such pretensions -- maybe she's just getting hers while she can and who can blame her? If I had that body, I might also be pretty tempted to paste it onto the largest billboard someone offered me, especially if they were tossing out the kind of cabbage I'm guessing you get from a mega-company like Calvin Klein. So who am I to judge?



I know that some people will interpret this photo as Ms Mendes undressing the guy, but I think she's just slipping off him and clutching his underwear in an attempt to stay put. Sorry, but I think it's a lost cause, Eva. Just give up and slide on down.

Images: Stylefrizz.com

Mystic Underpants Update

So I wore my mystical underwear today, and the answer to the big question on everybody's mind is (::insert drumroll here::),

"Meh."

What? What do you mean you haven't spent all your free time in the last week wondering about my underpants? Hasn't everyone??

Well, in case you haven't, last weekend I bought a pair of Jockey Naturals Bamboo Boyshorts in a quest for a nice pair of drawers that I could wear under a couple of knit dresses that are tricky in the panty line department. Today I gave 'em a tryout under this dress:


(Like I said last week, we're running out of time to rock our white dresses -- smoke 'em if ya got 'em, ladies!)

I dressed it down with flat sandals and a denim jacket to run some errands (why does it have to be SO DAMN COLD in Costco???) and thought this would be a good opportunity for a trial run.

First off -- they are really soft. They are super-duper soft and they feel really good on. Also, the color is good -- mine are a nude color called "Warm Quartz" and they completely disappeared under the white dress. And when they first went on they were perfect -- the leg opening was low enough that there was no panty line evident and the waistband lay perfectly flat.

But.

After I'd walked around for a bit (actually, by the time I'd gotten downstairs to my car), they'd already begun to ride up; and after I got into the car it was all over but the shouting. (There was no actual shouting, of course, but there definitely was the ol' underwear Hitchhiker Maneuver with the hooked thumb. You know what I mean, don't pretend you don't.)

Unfortunately, while the fit of the shorts is really good from side to side


they're not long enough from top to bottom


and so there is some serious, um... well, the tag promised "drifting" and "gliding," and let's just say they lived up to their word. (Although "scootching" and "creeping" may have been more accurate verbs.) The big dichotomy with the boy short is that the thing about them that is great -- the fact that there's no tight elastic around the leg opening that creates a panty line -- is also the thing that is a problem -- there's no tight elastic around the leg opening to keep it from traveling northward.

I always have this problem with boy shorts. (And yet I continue to buy them -- hope springs eternal!) Some of it is my semi-freakishly long rise, and some of it is my overly generous booty. Maybe if I bought a size up it would be better, but it seems like the size increase in most pants (even underpants) only increases the girth of the garment, not usually the rise. Although, honestly, I don't know who these work on. I mean, I'm not exactly the tiniest elf in the forest or anything, but still... Seems like you'd have to have a pretty compact package for these to contain all your goodies. Anyone out there a fan of the boy short? If so, speak up & tell me which ones you're getting that don't go spelunking when you walk in them.

The verdict? Like I said, these things are cuddly-soft and comfy, so I'm very likely to scoop up some more in a different style, like a regular bikini, and I'm also really liking the idea of one of the camisoles in the nude color because that would completely disappear under a sheer blouse, I think. But these boy shorts are going to be at-home-alone wear. Soft & comfy for lounging, and if I have to do The Hitchhiker... well, let's just say Shine's seen worse.

My Underwear Is One With the Universe

So I bought a pair of these today:

(click for link)

I thought they were just a nice pair of underwear -- very soft, a good nude color (Although it is apparently called "warm quartz." Because underwear that was a color called "nude"? Preposterous!) and I needed a little boy short thing for a couple of knit dresses I have that are not so forgiving of regular underpants -- VPLs, doncha know.

So, yeah, I thought they were just nice underwear, until I got home & examined the tag, which informed me proudly that my panties were made of bamboo. (Technically, they are 42% rayon from bamboo. Also 35% nylon, 18% cotton, and 5% spandex.) Bamboo! "Bamboo," the tag on my underwear tells me, "has been used in China for more than 5000 years. Before paper was invented, slips of bamboo were the most important writing medium, making bamboo an important part in the spread and development of Chinese culture."

My underpants have cultural significance!!!

And that's not all!! On another tag (yep -- one pair of shorts, TWO tags) I am informed that "Bamboo draws a fortunate, mystical & prosperous energy from the earth."

My underpants are filled with mystical energy!!! Who knew?!?! (Well, to be honest, that's not the first time I've heard that.)

Furthermore! Among other things, "This bamboo garment also:

"*drifts over skin & glides under clothing"
(Well, this makes me a little nervous. I don't really want my underpants drifting & gliding. I'd prefer them to stay put, thanksverymuch.)

AND

"*breathes well & possesses a mystical sheen"
(I hadn't noticed the mystical sheen, but perhaps I am just unenlightened. Perhaps they will look sheen-ier when they are mystically drifting over my ass.)

I gotta tell ya -- I'm really looking forward to wearing these things. These are, apparently, far and away the most powerful underpants I've ever owned. I fully expect to be able to communicate with animals and channel healing energy (via my butt, I guess -- this will make for very interesting sickbed visits) when I'm wearing them. I'll let you know -- first I have to wash them. I don't care how enlightened my panties are, they get washed before they come in contact with this gal's mystical properties.

Brava! Brava!

Style Spy has a confession. There is one garment for which I do not like to shop. Yep. It exists. That thing is bras.

::deep sigh::

I am a difficult size to fit. Without revealing too much, suffice to say that in what has become a world where it seems large, cantaloupe-esque silibreasts have become the norm rather than the exception, Style Spy finds herself standing on the sidelines feeling rather left out.

And of course, we all know that when we undergo a weight loss, the first place we lose is the place where we'd rather not: in other words, our bustlines. So I spent last weekend trying on bras. I went to four different department stores. I'm pretty sure I tried on about 60 bras. And I bought... two.

This is not a good average. And since I underwent my bra-fitting revelation last summer, I've been even more particular about them fitting properly. But I need bras. A gal's gotta have 'em.

Well, now I know where to go...

Oh, great day in the morning, I can buy squillions of bras online!!! I can try them on in my own home!! When I get around to it! While listening to National Public Radio, or possibly Serge Gainsbourg music! With a fortifying glass of sauvignon blanc at the ready!! Woo-hooo!!

The genius thing about this website is that I can search by size. Instead of rifling through a jungle of tangled elastic, I just push a button and they show me all the bras available in my size. And then when I click on the bra that I'm interested in, they also show me whatever other elements from that line that happen to match it -- which is nice if you're someone like me and you like to be matchy-matchy with your bras & underduds. So that is how I found this adorable little number:

(Um, this is not me.)

and its cute matching panties that are not a thong:

(I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Style Spy flosses her teeth only.)

They're by a label called No Romeo who seem to specialize in adorable, colorful, fun things. Because we all need a wardrobe of black & nude underwear, but sometimes a gal wants to shake it up a little, and it is not exactly easy to find a 32A bra (there, now you know) that fits, is comfortable, and is cute.

I shopped my size, ordered about six bras, and then sat back to wait for FedEx to work their magic. One more really great thing -- shipping was only $4.50. With gas well over $3.00 a gallon, it costs me about that much to drive to Nordstrom. And return shipping? Is free. It is darned hard to argue with that.

At the end of last week I got a Box O' Brassieres delivered to me and I gradually tried them all on over the course of this weekend. I'm sending all of them back except the sweet little blue one, but I've already ordered another batch, including different sizes of some that I tried on the first round. I'm pretty confident I will never have to try on a bra in a department store again, and I am walking on air about this.

The other thing that Figleaves.com has is swimsuits. As we know, shopping for swimsuits is not usually a festival, either, so I'm really excited about this as well. They have tons of bikinis sold as separates, so that you can get tops & bottoms that actually fit you, and a lot of really attractive one-piece suits, including this one, which I'm really taken with:

It has patent leather trim. (Patent leather!! How sassy!!) It also has, according to the website, "good rear cover." I dunno about you, but those words are music to Style Spy's ears.

Figleaves.com has a great section on fitting and a whole glossary of bra parts (so now you can speak with authority about your center gusset) and maybe best of all -- reviews. Real women buy these bras and then they go back on the website and write about them, so you can get a lot of information on fit and style from reading them. The reviews have actually made me an even more educated bra-shopper. Thanks to them I'm thinking about not only my band and cup size, but my breast placement (fairly wide-set) compared to the size of my frame (I have broad-ish shoulders, but an pretty narrow ribcage). This means that when I scroll through the several pages of bras in my size, I'm mostly paying attention to the ones with a wider center gusset (See! It comes in handy!), because those are going to fit me better.

Knowledge is power, ladies.

So, go! Shop!! Buy some bras! (And let me know how it goes!)